32 weeks

Elyse is over the moon for her baby brother. She kisses him when she wakes up in the morning, before I leave her at daycare, when being picked up from daycare, before bedtime, and several times in between. She is just so sincere and seems to really understand that there is a real live baby growing in there. She also has much more patience than I ever expected she would just waiting until February for him to come. She does keep asking if today is February, but she hasn't given up hope.
He is a mover and seems to be taking up the entire space that he is being allowed. Some times I grab at my ribs as he's kicking those and end up squeezing my bladder at the same time hoping not to pee my pants as he pushes down there too. He's really good at stretching out I guess! We go in on Wednesday to check on measurements and all that good stuff.
We are very excited for Christmas. It's hard not to be when you see the twinkle and excitement in Elyse's eyes! We love spending time with family, having time off from school, and this year, getting ready for Micah! I hope to have his room finished, a trip to Target for necessary baby supplies, infant car seat ready, and a hospital bag packed before the end of our break.
We've been doing lots of extra praying lately for Ross' grandpa, Grandpa Bob. He's been in the ICU for over two weeks with what started as a bad case of pneumonia. He's nearing the end and so we've been praying for a peaceful departure from his Earthly body. We have lots of wonderful memories of Grandpa Bob and Elyse has always enjoyed his sense of humor. She enjoys playing hide-n-seek with his cane and when he fills her piggy bank with unique coins. Ross has been able to spend a lot of time with him in the last two weeks, and Elyse and I have also been able to visit him, squeeze his hand, and whisper in his ear. It's a learning experience for all of us.
And to all of those who lost their babies, families members, and friends this past week in the CT school shooting, we are so sorry and sad. We pray that God carries you through this time because really, I can't imagine getting through it any other way. I hope that in this tragedy we can all learn a little more about being the change we wish to see in the world.

Almost One Month Later...

Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has just been crazy lately. Elyse started a new daycare plus preschool 2 days a week, Ross has started coaching basketball again, and I'm finishing up another 4-week session of yoga...plus growing a baby, teaching all day, making meals, keeping a clean house, trying to get ready for Christmas, and all the little things that come up each day. Some days I am glad I don't know all that one day will require because I might stay under the covers if I knew in advance. But it is all good and so much to be thankful for.
I am now 31 weeks pregnant and only 9 weeks to go! Seems like just yesterday I was slightly caught off guard by a positive pregnancy test, but knew something was going on because my body was going crazy! Can't believe we are only 9 weeks away from meeting the little guy who rocked my world for the first three months of this pregnancy, but again as a blessing, because I've learned so much since then about life, health, and more of who I am.
Elyse gets more excited every day and loves giving her baby brother lots of hugs and kisses. She loves to tell people, "Look how big my Mama's tummy is getting!" I beam with pride at what she has become. She is genuinely sweet, caring, excitable, stubborn, eager, smart, and so true to who she is. I hope she never loses that.
After we got home from daycare today, I watched her run around and play in the snow for a few minutes. She reminds me each day that I need to let go, enjoy the little things, and take nothing too seriously. She wasn't dressed for playing in the snow besides having a winter coat on, but she didn't think twice about laying down in the snow to make a beautiful snow angel. Of course, my brain wanted to shout out, "You're going to get your pants all wet!" but I didn't because she's taught me over and over to let those little things go.  She didn't care about wet pants. There are many more where those come from. Too many times, as adults, we get caught up in the little details but don't stop to see the big picture. She's made me a better person and I will be forever thankful for that. She makes life so good.
This is not to say that I don't still struggle with on and off anxiety and figuring out more about this purpose driven life. Like always, I am constantly doing lots of thinking. Too much for my own good some days (and nights). I'm still trying to figure out this wheat and sugar sensitivity. I wish I had a number, like a blood test, to provide concrete information that could help me wrap my mind around this. I know it is real. I just wish I could do a quick test when I'm feeling crappy that would confirm the fact that I did eat something with too much sugar or too much wheat and that is why I'm feeling this way. Instead, I feel like it is a guessing game. Was it something I ate? Am I just crazy? Why me? Do I really have to eat like this for the rest of my life? But I know deep down that it really does affect my mood, and even eating things that don't have wheat and sugar, like potato chips, make me feel not so good either. Of course, why would they...have you read the ingredients list? If you can't pronounce the majority of the words, it probably isn't a good thing.
With the upcoming holiday season, I already feel the pressure of holiday treats and meals. It's tough. I feel like having a pity party more often than not. I struggle saying, "No thanks!" when someone has worked hard at cooking/baking something delicious. I struggle when I'm being asked for the fifth time, "Are you sure you don't want some?" And it usually gets awkward then because, at that point, I usually respond with, "I would love to have some, but I don't eat sugar and/or wheat." And then you get the sad faces, the shocked faces, the 20 questions, and I don't mind explaining but not in front of the whole family while crickets chirp as I talk about it as part of my plan to treat anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. But anyhow, Merry Christmas to you too! Thanks for asking. Uggh!! But at the same time, I don't want people to plan meals around me, make special arrangements, etc....so what do you want, Laura?
I don't know. To be normal. For everyone to just know so I don't have to explain again and again. I don't want to be asked how this is going to affect my baby. I don't want to be told that it might not be a good diet because I'm missing out on important nutrients. Well, I'm also missing out on panic attacks too so I guess it is a little give and take. And it isn't a diet. I've been on many diets in my life and this doesn't even compare. On a diet, you can cheat and just make up for it at the next meal. Have a bad week of eating and then start up again. But when it affects your mood, happiness, and mental health, it isn't a diet. It has to become a way of life. When will it feel like that for me? It's hard. Extremely hard. And many days I don't know how I do it, except for the fact that I am that afraid of extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I will do whatever I need to do. I can't risk that because it takes away from my ability to be a good mommy. I do it for me, and I do it for my family.
I'll just keep singing the song, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone....I can see all obstacles in my way...." I want that to be true. I want the rain to clear. It has been clear before, and it will be clear again. This is just part of my path and I will take it.
I promise a baby bump picture at the next post and hopefully it will be in a week instead of a month. If you have to wait a month for that picture, it means I'll be close to my last month of pregnancy!

Blessings in Disguise

I still get caught up in asking the anxiety questions even if the anxiety isn't here, "Why anxiety? Why me? Will it ever really go away forever? When will it be back? What is the real cause? What do I need to do differently?" I know that I give it too much power some days, and that is only out of fear. I need to let go and trust, but this week I got an answer that I really needed.
As I was waiting for my yoga kids to arrive on Monday night, I walked back to the massage area of the chiropractic building that I teach my classes in. In the waiting room, they had a pile of inspiration/destiny cards. I was first made aware of this type of card at my yoga training out in Colorado. Every day we would pull a new card and read the message letting it "speak to us" as we practiced during the day. Some days the cards held more meaning than other days, but they always provided a time for me to stop and reflect on what the true meaning of each card was and what life message it was giving to me.
So anyhow, on Monday night, I spotted a pile of cards similar to this. There was one card laying face up on the deck of cards, as the rest of the cards were laying face down. This is what it said:

Blessing in Disguise

What appears to be a problem is actually part of your answered prayer. You'll understand the reasons behind your present situation as everything resolves. Trust in heaven's protection and infinite wisdom to answer your prayers in the best way. 

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Of course, I went home with a little extra skip in my step and was so excited to share it with Ross. I couldn't remember the exact wording of the card, but I was able to tell him the gist of the card. He agreed it was a good message for me to remember. 

This all gets even better when I go back on Tuesday night to teach another yoga class. I had a free minute so I decided to go a pull another card from the pile. This time all of the cards were neatly in the pile, face down. So I quickly pulled a card from the bottom half of the pile, and my jaw dropped! It was the exact same card that had been laying face up waiting for me to read it the night before. 

I see it as no coincidence. I see it as a strong message that I really need to hear, listen to, read, and reflect on frequently. This is when I decided to copy down the message word for word. Since writing the message down on a post-it note last night, I have reread the message a handful of times. Each time I feel a sense of letting go of fear and trusting that everything will be fine. Everything will work out just as it needs to be. People, places, and situations are all on my life path for very specific reasons. Even though some of the people, places, and situations seem unfair, difficult, or hard to understand, I need to trust in them just as much as I trust in the good that comes my way. It is all part of my answered prayer and a blessing in disguise. And as yoga has taught me, you just need to breath through it.  

27 weeks

Baby Boy is growing, growing, growing. We saw the dr. this week and everything looks good. No results from the glucose test yet, but we'll assume all is good. At our last appointment, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule, and this time only 1.5 weeks ahead of schedule! All good news. By the end of the day my ribs, back, and legs hurt, but after a night of rest I'm ready to go the next day. No  real strange cravings yet either, but I am still liking milk, and bananas with peanut butter is a pretty popular snack at least once a day. If anyone is near a Trader Joe's, pick me up some of their creamy peanut butter. It is the best!
Can't believe that Thanksgiving will be here already in less than 2 weeks and then Christmas is always right around the corner. By Christmas I should have a nice round Santa belly! All I want for Christmas is Baby Boy's room to be painted and complete and Elyse's room to be given a "big sister" makeover as well! We have Baby Boy's bedding here and ready, and Elyse picked out a set that she liked at Target too! Lots of fun changes going on!

Through the Ups and Downs

Last weekend started out rough when I found out that a teacher friend from Waseca had lost his 28 year old son to a tragic work related accident. When you're not too far from 28 yourself and you think about life suddenly ending, it kind of throws you off a little bit. Being the deep thinker and introvert that I am, I stewed about it for the rest of the weekend, asking lots of questions inside of my head. "How does his family go on? What does his wife of only a few years do now? How can she go back to her home, or their home, alone? Why did God take him so soon? Why is this fair? Why do parents have to bury their children? What is the purpose in this much hurt? Did death hurt? Was he scared? Is he in Heaven now? What is Heaven like? How will his family survive the holidays? How can they even sleep or eat? What if this ever happened to me?"
So after spinning a wild storm in my mind all weekend long, I was pretty anxiety-ridden by Sunday afternoon. And poor Ross always gets the brunt of it. He's always supportive and knows I just need extra tender loving care. He trusts in me more than I trust in myself most of the time. He knows my strength and that in a few hours or days, I will feel better.
The problem is not in asking these questions about life, the problem begins when you don't ask them out loud and you become frustrated with yourself for feeling real emotions related to the situation. The emotions begin to bottle up inside and soon you are mad at everyone and everything in your path. You continue to ruminate on these thoughts until you feel physically ill. And for me, sometimes it is much easier to overcome the anxiety than other times. Sometimes it takes a few minutes and other times, it takes a lot longer. But I do know it has always gone away. Every time...it goes away. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.
I know the answers to some of the questions that circled in my mind. I know this family will go on, one step, one breath at a time. I know that God has a plan for all of us. I know we just need to trust and one day everything will make perfect sense. I happened across another blog entry this week that told about how a woman would frequently wake with anxiety, so she started to breath in deeply while focusing on the word trust, and as she exhaled deeply, she would think about the word fear. Within a short amount of time, she would begin to feel full of trust and without fear. She had let it go. That is basically what it comes down to. We have to let go of the fear. We have to have trust. It's just that simple...Ha! Not so simple, but really it is if we can train our body and mind to do it that way. I've been practicing it a lot this week and it does make me feel better.
And so I felt much better within a short amount of time, and I am so thankful that I went to the funeral. It was a celebration of life. There were sad tears. Of course, the family wished they didn't have to do this. Not now. Not yet. But there was no other choice. The trust that they showed through the scriptures, songs, and stories helped me to heal too. It helped to answer a lot of my fears. I now know that they will be okay. They will be sad and that is okay. They will be happy and that is okay. It will be a lot of trusting and letting go of fear. It will be trusting in Something greater than life on Earth.
As I drove home from the funeral, with the blessing of a baby boy in my belly, I started to feel anxiety creep in again. What if this ever happened to my little boy? What would I do? How would I go on? Was I making the right choice in having another child?
And the answer is yes, of course. I know that whatever happens, regardless of the pain, tears, joy, laughter, as a parent, I'd do it all over again. I know this family from Waseca would too. They had an amazing 28 years with their son, and even if they had known in advance that this would be the end of his life on Earth, they would have done it all over again. Through the Ups and Downs.

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said
I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...
Group 1 Crew "He Said"

24 Weeks and A Gold Star

We visited Dr. Troy today after being away for 2 months and he gave me a gold star; even said, "You made my day!" My body is staying in balance and I'm being diligent about keeping it that way. Your body has a message to tell you so be sure you're listening! He's hopeful (and so am I) that another visit in January, and one right before delivery, will keep me smooth sailing through delivery and lessen my chances of another bout of postpartum depression/anxiety. I'm so thankful that Dr. Troy has been on my life path! He's an amazing doctor!
Baby Boy is doing well! Growing and moving lots! We go back to the baby doctor tomorrow so will get a 24 week update then. I'm starting to think about how we will arrange our bedrooms (Elyse's toy room) to make room for our new bundle of joy.
I've been craving milk lately and waking in the middle of the night with charlie horses a few times a week. I only had one of those with Elyse, but they seem more frequent this time. By the time I wake Ross to help rub the pain away, it is usually gone, but some of them leave me feeling like I've been punched in the leg. I've been eating lots of bananas but need to be better about drinking more water! I also have a few bulging veins in my legs this time around. They aren't too pretty, but are easy to hide still! Oh, the little marks the babes leave us are always special too!

Is that what you call hormones?

This past week has had me a little bit nervous that this anxiety is trying to creep back in. Tuesday and Wednesday were kinda rotten. Nothing out of the ordinary going on, but I can feel the anxiety running through my body again and my face is breaking out. I'm writing this off as pregnancy hormones because, quite frankly, I don't have the time, patience, or energy for it to be anything else.
Like I told Ross tonight, the only good thing about anxiety is that my nervous stomach makes my bowels flow more freely, to put it nicely. :) Too much information, I know. But again, try to find the good in each situation right!
Today I'm feeling a little better and so I hope it was just a surge in hormones and now things are calming down again. I've tried to give it very little time, thought, or power and just kept on with my regular schedule trusting that this too shall pass.
I've got a busy week ahead with parent teacher conference on Monday and Thursday, and then a fun-filled weekend with Marie and Adam's wedding! We can't wait to celebrate. I did have to take my bridesmaid dress in to have it let out a little bit this week. Guess the baby belly is really growing!
22 weeks along now, with only 18 to go! We are over half way and keep talking all about this little boy growing inside. Elyse is a proud, big sister. She just doesn't think it is fair that baby brother gets a bedroom upstairs while she has to sleep downstairs, and that he gets to have her rocking chair. We're going to have to replace that chair with something pretty cool! We talked about an "art desk" for her bedroom so she can do "projects!" She's liking that idea so far.
Well, keep praying with me that the hormones level off again and we are smooth sailing ahead!

Sweet Saturday

I love days like this. The sun is shining. I'm cuddled up on the couch with Elyse as she plays on the ipad and I play on the computer. We'll stay in our jammies for a little bit, then head outside to enjoy this beautiful fall day. I have so much to be thankful for.

I was just rereading my blog posts from this summer and realize how far I have come, but am being mindful that there will probably be days like those again. Being the analyzer that I am, I wonder if it was all due to 1st trimester pregnancy hormones. It seems my hormones have great power over my mind and body. I have continued to be wheat and sugar free, am finding it easier than I ever thought it would be, and really don't crave those foods too much anymore, expect on Friday after school. (When you're stressed or have made it through the week, eat right!) Not for me anymore....it would make me feel better right away, but I'd be facing the consequences soon enough.

Sundays and Mondays used to be a really tough days for me. I dreaded that the weekend was almost over and I'd be going back to work. I'd prefer to lay around all day on Sunday trying my hardest to avoid the inevitable...Monday. But as I think back on it, I wonder if it was more than that. I used to eat well all week and then on Friday and Saturday, I'd let loose. Eating out, eating large amount of junk, trying to ease the stress from the work week. As I've noticed since being wheat and sugar free, those foods do affect my mood greatly. Was Sunday such a rotten day because my body was reacting to the two days of junk food I had just gorged on? Monday would be a little better, and then by Tuesday I'd be feeling better. Well, by Tuesday all of that junk was out of my body and so that allowed my mind and body to return to normal as well. What a mess I was creating for my body, which is generally pretty sensitive to lots of things I put in or on my body. You should have seen my lips when I had to wear braces, my body respond to mosquito bites, my ears when I wear earrings...Goes back to a quote I found when I was in Colorado for my yoga training, "Listen to your body! It has a story to tell!" It sure does, but that slowing down to listen is the hardest part for us busy humans!

Anyhow, whatever hormones are traveling through my body right now are helping me to feel pretty great. I love feeling Baby Boy kick up a storm, watching my pregnant belly grow, and seeing the love that Elyse already shows towards her little brother. She always has to give him a kiss when I drop her off at daycare in the morning. She's sure he won't like the box elder bugs that have been sneaking into our house, and when she drink water out of her cup, she reminds me that little brother likes water too!

And I can't believe my baby sister is getting married in 13 days! We can't wait to celebrate with her, Adam, and Josie on their wedding day. It will also be Ross and my 5th wedding anniversary! We get to share the same anniversary day. Although I'm probably a little too hard on him sometimes, Ross is an amazing husband and daddy. He has put up with more in the last 5 years than he could have ever imagined, but he continues to keep calm and carry on. I am blessed, and God knew what he was doing when he planned for us to meet at 1330 Monks Avenue 10 years ago! Times flies when you're having fun! E

Enjoy this Sweet Saturday!

20 weeks!

 Half way there!! There were quite a few days in June, July, and August where it felt like I would never get to this point, but here we are! And we are expecting a BOY!! Elyse is going to have a little brother to protect and love on. She wasn't so sure about it even though she was proudly wearing her, "I'm the big sister!" shirt, but she got over it and is now very excited. Everything has been going so well and we are beyond blessed. Just proves again that you have to take the good with the bad. The rewards are so much greater when you grow working through the bumps along the way. I've been feeling great, loving my kids yoga classes, and enjoying my new batch of 1st graders. Life is good!

Back to School

I can't believe how quickly August came and went! Time flies when you're having fun...August was the fastest month of the summer without a doubt! We finished up our workshop week at school last night with Open House. I got to meet all of my new first graders and their families. It is going to be a great year!
The last half of August I spent a lot of energy getting my yoga website and schedule up and organized. Most of you probably know about my yoga classes coming up, but just incase I have followers here that don't know, here is my new yoga website. Check it out!  http://learninglotusyoga.weebly.com
I have at least 4 kids signing up for my Kindergarten - 2nd Grade session, and am excited to see what the other sessions bring. Hopefully a handful of kids for both. I don't have room for much more than 5 or 6, so hopefully we can get everyone to fit!
We are 17 weeks pregnant now! Seems like just yesterday I was shocked by the two little lines that appeared on the pregnancy test. September 19th is the date of our first ultrasound and hopefully when we can find out if we're having a little gal or a little guy this time! We will happily take either. Elyse continues to say it is both, so hopefully we can just clear that confusion up for her too! Other than that, once we got out of the 1st trimester, this pregnancy has been going very well. Feeling good, good energy levels, leveled out moods, with a little tailbone pain in the evening, and an early bedtime between 8 and 9. My latest craving is greek yogurt with granola. Yum!
I had my last appointment with Dr. Troy a week ago and he is so impressed with how far my body and mind have come. All of my muscles are holding just right, everything seems to be in the right place, and my mood/anxiety is so much better. He did retest for sugar and wheat sensitivity. My body still responded to wheat, but no reaction to sugar. He feels that being wheat-free will be a for life thing. Sugar is something I can "play" with and see how it works out, but to treat it like alcohol with an alcoholic. So of course, I played with it right away. Not good. Kind of what I expected. It seems like once I remove something for an extended period of time, my body doesn't do well when I try to re-introduce...this has happened a few times when I think I can handle caffeine also. It always makes me feel worse and proves to me that I don't really need it. So, I'm going to stick to no sugar, no wheat and enjoy how my body feels without it.
Enjoy the last day of August! It was a great month! Welcome September!

This is For Me

Today I "graduated" from 9 weeks of working with my amazing therapist, Jen. When I saw her two years ago I remember getting to this point also, where I go wondering what we will talk about. When I'm in the middle of the muck I know exactly what I need to talk about, but again, I'm at that point where I've learned a lot and feel a lot better than I did 9 weeks ago when we started.
This week I also finished my 6-week treatment plan with Dr. Troy and I will have my re-evaluation next week. He is so impressed with how my muscles are holding and believes that physically we have everything right where it needs to be for optimal functioning. We still need to keep an eye on the hormones, which he feels played a big part in the strong anxiety I was having earlier. As the first trimester has ended, the anxiety has become so much more manageable. It's there a little bit still, but it doesn't come with the racing thoughts that it did for the past few months. So, we will keep an eye on those hormones and hope everything hold physically. If not, I know right where to go.
So, like the title of this post says, this is for me. I want to record what I've learned this summer because accepting anxiety as a gift and as a learning tool has much better results than fighting it. So here is my top 10 list.
Laura's Top 10 Reasons Why Anxiety is a Gift
10. It forces me to open up and talk about my emotions and what is bothering me.
9. It forces me to slow down, relax, and take more naps.
8. I have become aware of the fact that foods, specifically sugar and wheat, greatly impact my moods and energy levels.
7. It has allowed me to share my story with others and make new friends along the way.
6. I know that I can overcome anxiety without taking a pill.
5. Yoga, breathing, walking, reading, blogging, listening to music, and focusing on others helps ease anxiety.
4. I have become less of a perfectionist.
3. I am stronger than I think and have never once lost control.
2. Feeling more comfortable with this pregnancy and my ability to be a great mom!
1. I can use what I have learned to help others.

I googled "Anxiety as a Gift" and came up with this amazing article. It says it all so well. http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-gift-of-anxiety-7-ways-to-get-the-message-and-find-peace/

When, and if, panic and/or anxiety creeps back into my days, I hope I can refer back to this blog post so that I can remember this is a gift given to me because I can handle it, I can learn from it, and I can help others.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon

August is Here!

I'm back from Colorado and in the last two days I finally feel like my mind is clearing. I am hesitant to even say it out loud, but I'm very hopeful that the start of the 2nd trimester is going to calm the hormones, fatigue, and anxiety. So much as went on since I've blogged last, but I'll try to recap it all in a way that isn't too lengthy.

To start, Estes Park was wonderful. The weather was beautiful with a spotty thunderstorm that rolled in each afternoon. Our training was in a building that allowed us to have the doors and windows all open so we were able to take in the fresh Colorado air as well as observe the scenery and wildlife while training. I met some amazing women who all had stories to share and learn from. We meshed well and enjoyed learning from each other. It was helpful to be "away" while fighting off the anxiety and fatigue as it did seem to take my mind off it a little bit...but I powered through regardless and as so thankful that I had the opportunity. My wheels are turning and I'm excited to see where this journey takes me. Just to put my vision out there, I'd love to be a traveling YogaKids teacher who can share yoga with as many kids as possible. I know I was born to teach, but I'm open to the idea of teaching in different ways as well. I'll trust in this journey and follow where the path might lead!

Upon returning, I've been catching up on my sleep and cuddles with Elyse and Ross. It's been wonderful returning to open-window weather, but I can't believe that August is already here. I did stop in at school today to check on my classroom. The boxes have all been moved to my new room, so I can start unpacking anytime! I am a little excited. Fall is always a fun time, and as much as I will miss summer, I do look forward to getting back into a routine and putting my creativity into my classroom.

As far as the little baby inside me, we are just edging out of the 1st trimester and into the 2nd. There isn't much of a baby bump yet, but you might get a baby bump picture in the next couple weeks. I've been looking back at Elyse's blog and comparing her pregnancy to this one. If you want to look back, the web address is www.justalittlebebe.blogspot.com. Since sugar and wheat are out, I've managed to find a few substitutes for my cravings. Chips with melted cheese are a treat, as well as milk and string cheese.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to do a yoga practice with the Waseca High School Marching band! It will be exciting to see some of my little 3rd graders as high schoolers now! And this will be, by a long shot, my largest group of yogis! I'll let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

I also want to thank those people who crossed my path in the last week that reminded me we are given those we need in the times that we need them: the kind man in the MSP airport who asked about my journey and eased my nerves, my roommates at Estes Park, Kristy from Canada who openly shared about her life, and Katie who sat next to me on the flight home. Oh, the I forgot the most ironic part of the trip!

I sat down in my seat on the airplane to fly home from Colorado...seat 9A. A couple sat down next to me saying that the ticket checker informed them that seat 9A was double booked. So both the woman and I gave our ticket stubs to the flight attendant so that they could move one of us. The flight attendant came back quickly saying, "I have two ticket stubs for Laura Nelson. I need the other person's stub. Who is Laura Nelson?" and we both responded, "I am!" All of us were a bit shocked and left speechless for a few seconds! What are the chances that two people with the name Laura Nelson are booked for the exact same seat on the exact same flight. I'm still trying to understand the meaning in that! :)

Ready or Not, Here I Come

I leave this afternoon for Estes Park, Colorado for a 7-Day Transformations YogaKids training. At the end of the week, I will have completed my year long training and will be a fully certified kids yoga teacher. Laura Nelson 200-CYKT!

And ready or not, I'm going. I'm incredibly nervous about traveling alone, being away from home for 7 days, leaving Elyse and Ross for 7 days, being able to sleep in a hotel room with soon to be friends, and coming back when the calendar says August!

August! Really?! Like I said in a post a month back or so, when August gets here, I won't be ready to go back to school. The back-to-school nerves are already seeping in. It goes from one worry to the next. There is always something to worry about, so how about instead of worrying about any of them, worry about none of them. I have hope for that.

Well, I've got some last minute packing to do! And some last minute cuddling to do!

I Love It

I wish I could say that about anxiety. I think if I did, it would make it go away....or so I hope. Or how about if I went to the doctor, they ran a quick blood draw, and said, "Yup! Anxiety it is." I think even that would make accepting it better. Because I go back and forth on the right way to do this....

Should I ignore it because thinking about, talking about, researching about it gives it power which makes it worse...

or

Should I accept it, love it, and embrace it as part of me because it seems that it would make me feel better if I could stop trying to fight it, rationalize it, solve it, find a cause of it...

Everyone has their own opinion which doesn't help the anxious mind to know what to do. We anxious people like there to be a right or wrong/black or white way to life and I'm discovering that just isn't the way it will always be. Same with anxiety. 

Plus, to complicate matters, some people say they have been totally cured of their anxiety to never deal with it again using certain methods, while others say they have been fighting the battle for the last 30, 40 some years and it just continues....I'll decide to focus on the first school of thought because I don't have the energy or time to let the second idea consume my mind. 

And I'm not asking my anxiety to be totally gone because that wouldn't be healthy either. I don't mind nervousness, like the butterflies in your tummy thing, sweaty palms, a little racing heart...that stuff is simple. It's the anxiety, when I say anxiety, like the muscles feel like they are shutting down, the brain fog, the difficulty shutting off the ruminating thoughts, the weak arms, the lack of taste in food or any desire to eat, shortness of breath, the extreme fatigue, insomnia, shaking, and the dreaded cloud of doom that has me questioning the world around me and what it is, what is that one source, that is causing this....that is what I want to go away. 

Like I've said many times, I'm so much better off than I was awhile back but it's kind of like this....

If you have ever burned your finger on the stove or a curling iron not expecting it to be hot, ouch!!! That hurts! Each time you approach that situation in the future, you approach it with much more caution. You've learned to protect yourself.

It's the same with anxiety.....Just walking along, enjoying life, and ouch!! Some situation which you didn't foresee as that difficult sends your body spinning into an unknown place. It's scary. So you come out of it okay and you've learned a lot and you're a little on guard now for those same feelings. But you never expect you'll deal with that again, cause you've learned your lesson the first time.....

Until BAM! The anxiety is back again, and again you're scared but this time it is a little worse because you thought you had learned, and protected yourself....so you become worried about this really becoming part of you, and how often, how intense, what situations will make this continue to arise. Yikes! I thought this was a one time deal.

And each time it comes back, you feel the same way. A little pissed off that you didn't learn your lesson the first time, or the second time, or the third time....Why can't you just control this!!?? You've been to the doctors, you've talked through your "issues", you've changed your eating habits, you've asked for help, you've practiced relaxation techniques, you've gotten up each day and pushed through.....but it is still lingering....

Now you begin to worry about this thought....so it's not as intense and you're thankful for that but this is the longest it has lingered....Is this the time when it does not ever go away? It has always, always gone away in the past. So it will go away this time. But then I'm instantly scared about the next time it comes back....

And here is where I need to change my thinking to "I Love It" or probably more realistic would be "I can handle it!" Instead of creating more fear about when and if it comes back, just know that you can deal with it. It won't stop you from living life. It won't stop a new day from coming. It won't stop your children or husband or family from loving you. It won't stop the children at school from needing you as their teacher. It won't stop anything unless you let it stop you. And you can let it slow you down. That might be just the reason it is here. To let you know you're racing through life a little too fast and need to stop and smell the roses. Slow down. Re-evaluate. Take time out to just stay home and relax. I can handle this. *Disclaimer: (I might need all of your help in remembering this because this is the part I struggle with the most. I DO NOT want to accept that this will return and be part of me. I DO NOT. Begging and pleading. DO NOT. It's pretty simple. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I hate who it makes me out to be.) 

Since I'm feeling more success each day, for the most part, I need to start thinking this way and letting go of the fear. Not yet, in 29 years of life, have I ever been given more than I can handle. Some days it sure feels like it, but like the lyrics from a song I heard yesterday said, "I will let you bend but I won't let you break." So true! Bending is good. It teaches us new things. I want to know what this is preparing me for. I have hope that this will be for something good. I want to make a difference in the world and I guess being a teacher is a good start. 

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend! I know I sure did! I had a wonderful time with Molly, Brenna, and Cora here! I loved going to Alicia's birthday party and hanging out with the high school girls. And now I'm anxiously (in a good way) waiting for Ross to call and say, "We're on our way home and will be home tomorrow!"

My Mouth is a Volcano

There is a children's book title this, and I thought of it right away as I thought about how I was feeling today.

Inside these "I'm feeling pretty good" posts, there are days when I'd like to post about the little black cloud that still lingers, in a different way, now. Many days I just decide to wait until I'm in a better mood, because that is more of what people want to hear. But today...."It's just one of them days, that a girl goes through, When I'm angry inside, Don't wanna take it out on you, Just one of them days..."It's a Monica song...

Right now I feel like my mouth is a volcano. I feel like everything that comes out is negative, judgmental, and all or nothing thinking.

I'm angry that Ross is at his music festival...in Ohio...for 7 days...with little cell phone service...

I'm angry that I can't just enjoy my time with Elyse because...I lack patience...I am tired...I feel like a bad mom...I don't think it's fair that she should have to put up with my moods....

I'm angry that someone can't just take this pain inside of me away...take the anxiety...take the depression...take the negativity...take the physical symptoms that come with it...take the all or nothing thinking...take the worries...take away the "Why me?"...

I'm angry when I think back to happier times...why won't they just come back...why have I learned to be okay with "not feeling great"...why is this the new normal...why is this lingering on and on when I have a wonderful life to be so very thankful for...

I can deal with this. It is not nearly as bad or as intense as it was a few months ago. I typically can follow the routine of a the day and worry less, but I feel like I am stuck. Dr. Troy assures me it is normal but $&*$((#(*&^&^#*(#(&&#*(excuse my language)! Can I just get a week of relief!! I get hours, and if I'm lucky, a day, of relief...but it is that lingering, the dull ache inside...that just won't leave. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO LORD!!?? I'M LISTENING!!"

I know I'm not alone in my feelings. I know many have, and currently are, feeling like this in one situation or another. But I want to post this honestly so that if one other person reads this and finally feels like they are not alone, then it was worth it. Today I will worry about today. I will continue to enjoy the moments even though I have that icky, dull, ache way down deep that just doesn't want to leave. I will be thankful for the little things.

Lots Going On Around Here...

Well, we've been on the go since Friday and we are welcoming a pretty calm week around here. This weekend we spent a lot of time with Ross's family playing, eating, and enjoying good company. The only bad part involved Elyse stepping on dog poop which flew up onto her face and even had a maggot in it which proceeded to crawl towards her eye. You can guess my reaction, but it was probably entertaining to watch.

Sunday was supposed to be a fun day participating in the Color Run 5k where they spray you with different colored powders as you progress through the race, but eating rotten cottage cheese the night before doesn't really prepare you for that adventure so instead of going I lived vicariously through the rest of the team who did go, had fun, and got very colored! I, on the other hand, spent the morning in the bathroom and on the couch. Next year I'll be there.

Yesterday I went back to Dr. Troy who again reassured me that I'm making great progress and that we need to wait it out a couple weeks here before making any changes in my treatment plan to see if the 1st trimester pregnancy hormones start to back off a little bit. I do feel much better physically but like I told Dr. Troy, I feel like I'm at a mental road block. He said that's great! It means hormones probably are playing the biggest role in this and we are definitely headed in the right direction. He again reminded me that there is always a cause for symptoms. You never have to doubt that. That is such a helpful thought.

Today was the biggest day of all though! We heard Baby #2's heartbeat and Elyse thinks it is a sister! It is always a blessing to hear that little heartbeat! Also, I've been researching placenta encapsulation for after the birth. Lots of good reviews for helping ease postpartum depression. Research it with an open mind! There are many doulas that provide this service in the Twin Cities area so I wouldn't be putting Ross in charge of grilling it up! :)

Speaking of Ross, he left this morning for Ohio with a group of guys for an outdoor music festival called All Good. He will be gone through Monday so Elyse and I are going to keep each other company for the next few days. We'll probably visit the library, the grocery store, and the park! This weekend we will have our favorite friends visiting us from Waseca. Maybe we'll make a special trip to Jim's Apple Barn for a treat even! And they are going to babysit Elyse so I can go help a friend celebrate her 30th birthday on Saturday night! Happy Birthday Alicia!

I think that is the latest and greatest from the Nelson house. Enjoy the week!

Sugar Withdrawls

Well, Dr. Troy impressed me again. I recently had my Vitamin D level and TSH (thyroid level) checked by my medical doctor. I got the results in the mail saying both were within the normal range. Both numbers were close to the low end of the range, but normal is normal right?!

I decided to let Dr. Troy take a look at the numbers and guess what...both numbers are low!

My vitamin D level was 20 points below where he would like it to be. Low vitamin D levels can results in depression, so I am now taking vitamin D daily. We've got to keep this baby healthy!!

My TSH was 0.7 and Dr. Troy wants it above 1.8. A hyperthyroid can cause some symptoms mimicking anxiety, and so again, this could be another small piece of the puzzle. There isn't anything he wants to do about it now but he does want to continue watching it. He has been very cautious during this whole process not to put me on any medications that he feels I can manage without since I am pregnant.

I also am trying to decide if this hangover feeling that I have been experiencing is sugar withdrawals or  pregnancy related. I've been doing some googling on sugar detox and some people say it can be pretty intense. When I try to rationalize it in my mind, I think the same thing. The paragraph below is from an article I was reading that made this seem even more real in my mind.

But there are also other areas of impact that researchers have investigated: the effect of sugar on the brain and how liquid calories are interpreted differently by the body than solids. Research has suggested that sugar activates the same reward pathways in the brain as traditional drugs of abuse like morphine or heroin. No one is claiming the effect of sugar is quite that potent, but, says Brownell, “it helps confirm what people tell you anecdotally, that they crave sugar and have withdrawal symptoms when they stop eating it.”
Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/02/should-sugar-be-regulated-like-alcohol-and-tobacco/#ixzz20bAe0W3s


Was/Am I seriously "addicted" to sugar? Probably, yes, actually. I might need to see my therapist for this now too! When I think about how much sugar I ate it was insane. And my motto always was not to save any for tomorrow because it would be better if it was all gone today, so just eat the whole candy bar, cake, pan of bars, etc. 


The reason I'm having this big revelation today is because yesterday for the first time in 2 weeks I caved and ate 2, not just 1, peanut butter cookies (plus they had wheat in them). And when I did it I felt like I was sneaking it. I even justified it by saying, "I can't be expected to never eat sugar!" I assume many people have felt like this when giving up cigarettes or other addictions. Yikes. And maybe I've over thinking it. But do you know how many times I've said in the past that I could never give up sugar. And in talking with people now about what I'm doing they will say, "I don't think I could do it!" There is truth behind that. It's a powerful thing. At this end of this, I honestly hope that I can eat a little sugar in moderation and not have to give it up totally for life, but we'll see.......

A Pregnancy Hangover

I've felt like I've been stuck in a rut the last few days. I am trying to not fight the symptoms and even continue to remind myself that these are very normal first trimester symptoms. I feel like I'm hungover.  Yuck! Tired, dizzy, plugged ears, nauseas off and on, tossing and turning sleeping, emotional. If I knew there was nothing I had to do and could lay on the couch until this passes, I think it would ease a lot of my worries, but we've got a pretty full weekend planned so I'm hoping when I wake up tomorrow that I feel refreshed!

Friday we are headed to Hastings to meet up at a park with Ross's cousins and their babies. It will be fun for the kids to all get together to play. Pray for a shade tree and a nice cool breeze!

Saturday we are headed into Wisconsin for another get together with Ross's family. Pray for a nice lounge chair on a sandy beach!

Sunday I am participating in, like how I did not say running in, The Color Run. A group of friends are going to join me in the coolest 5k on the planet. Each k you get sprayed with a new color so by the end of the race you are one colorful being! Our team is Tickle Me Pink! Pray for no pregnancy hangover feeling so that the color in my face doesn't turn from red, to white, to green!

Lots of fun planned so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my body keeps up.

On a side note, we go to the OB on Tuesday! Pretty excited to hear the baby's heartbeat and make sure there is only one in there. Elyse has me freaking out a little bit because she continues to tell me it's a boy and a girl, and that there's two in there. She's warming up to the idea of the baby nicely and loves to lift up my shirt and talk to, tickle, and drum gently on the baby. I hope all this early talking about it will ease the transition for her once the baby is finally here.

This Mess is Blessed

I love waking up in the morning lately. There are no thoughts of how tired I am. There are no thoughts about when I will be able to take a nap. And I'm even waking up about an hour before Elyse so I have quiet time to eat breakfast, check the news (Facebook), and even sit on the deck for a bit. 

Instead of waking with a body filled with negative anxiety, I wake with a body filled with positive excitement looking forward to what we are going to do today. Go for a walk, pull weeds, play in the yard, go out for supper with family, and just enjoy a beautiful Sunday. 

Looking back on the past 2 months I still have a hard time accepting that my body and mind were in such a different place. Today when I know that a panic attack is not even a possibility, I wonder why it was a possibility back then, and even scarier, will it return? Was it because of all the built up stress, was is really due to the wheat and sugar in my diet, have I just learned to relax in summer, is Dr. Troy really fixing these physical symptoms and will they stay fixed, was it hormones related to the pregnancy? 

We should not dwell on the past, but we should learn from it. I wish there was a simple test to tell what exactly was the cause of that anxiety episode, but in my heart I know it was probably a combination of built up stress on the body and when the body is wound that tight for so long, it will take the body time to unwind as well.

Another helpful thought that I read earlier this week was something along the lines of this: Comparing your situation or pain to someone else's to try and change your mood or attitude is not fair to you. Imagine telling your child with the stomach flu that there are children in Africa who are starving and would love to eat. It doesn't make sense. We can't relate and it doesn't make your child's pain any less. We need to treat ourselves with the same respect. Each of our challenges is different and comparing them isn't fair. 

Enjoy this day the best you can. If that means laying on the couch resting all day, then do it and feel good about it! You know what you need today, and so go out and do just that. You'll feel better after you do.

See the silver lining...

Why is it difficult to see how far you've really come? Is it just me? I know that I am feeling a ton better than I was a month ago. I have returned to a pretty normal schedule with little pain in doing it. I still have some lingering anxiety and moments in my days that are worse than others, but if I had a time machine to go back into the past one month I know I would see a very different girl.

So, why do I still have these moments when I feel not good enough? I know the answer already, "Everyone has moments like this." But like I said in my last post, I am a perfectionist, or as I'd like to think, a recovering perfectionist, and so it makes it hard for me to see the silver lining sometimes. Ross and I just had a conversation as he and Elyse walked out the door to get a special ice cream treat at the DQ (a reward for dry undies all day.....Elyse's not Ross!) and I was starting to mope about how it wasn't fair. But here's the other me talking:
1. Be happy for others even when you are not happy. It will make you a happier person.
2. Realize how blessed you are to have Ross as such an amazing dad to Elyse.
3. Realize how blessed you are to have Elyse who loves her Mama so much that she promised to bring me back a red DQ spoon!
4. Really reflect on how you are feeling now and decide if you'd want to deal with the consequences of eating a huge bowl of sugar.
5. Go with them and enjoy the family time, or relax in the alone time and smile thinking about how much fun Daddy/Daughter time is for them.

Look at all those positives. I really am a happy, positive, out-going person under this little black cloud filled with life-lessons that follows me around once in awhile. And like I told Ross, most people don't quit smoking on their first try even though they know it is best for them, so don't be so hard on yourself as you go through this process of giving up wheat and sugar. I've been eating it for the past 29 years. That's a pretty serious addiction. :)

And a little advice from Dr. Troy...In talking with his patients who are over 100, he always asks them to give a little advice on life. He said that each conversation has 2 things in common: That they are here for a purpose. God had a purpose for them in their life and they have not fulfilled it all yet. And the second one being, worry less about money because it always works out. That's some pretty good advice that I try to remember every day.

1 Week

It has been one week since I was told, "No sugar. No wheat," like it was a pretty common deal. Just like anxiety and depression, it is pretty common, but that doesn't really make it feel any better. I've had a few times in the last week where I thought I might jump ship and drive to DQ for a sugary blizzard or even eat just a regular piece of toast, but I've made it this far, and ...drum roll.... I am feeling better. And  there is actually food out there still for me to eat. It takes a little more thought and planning. Gluten-free bread is a lot more expensive and I still need to figure out the cooking and baking part of it all...especially baking without sugar. I'll get there....only a week into this. It will take time.

I was a skeptic. I still am a little bit. Of course, being the worrier that I am, I'm a little hesitant to jump on board and say this is the ultimate fix, but I really do believe this gluten stuff is a big piece of the puzzle. I've been feeling the effects of gluten assuming that it has been "just anxiety" this whole time. I do know that I am an anxious person, that I tend to have unrealistic worries, that I ruminate over thoughts, and that I'm a pretty sensitive person, but I believe that gluten is causing my body to let these anxious tendencies get out of control. Because I like talking to my therapist and feel that I still have a lot of perfectionistic qualities to work on getting rid of, I will continue to see her. I am by no means saying that once I am gluten-free I will be healed of all worries, but I am noticing that it does have a lot of influence on my energy level and mood. So does eliminating the sugar. This girl can't even have one cup of coffee because it puts her through the roof, why would I think consuming large amounts of sugar would be any different. Well, because for me, sugar tastes great and takes away stress (or so I thought not realizing it was actually creating more).

If you want to look into it more, do a little research on leaky gut and leaky brain. Not a lot of information out there, but what I've read makes a lot of sense for me. I just wish everyone with depression, anxiety, fatigue, asthma, chronic pain, weight problems, head aches, constipation, ADHD, autism, etc. etc. etc. (basically any ailment you can think of), could go to Synapse and see one of the doctors there. I know three other people who go there, and they praise this place up and down just like I do, thanking the doctors for giving them their life back!

Today was the first day, in I don't know how long, that I actually wanted to get up and go for a walk. Each day my energy level gets a little higher and higher. Yesterday, for the first time in probably a month, I vacuumed. For the past couple days I haven't even woke up thinking about when I might be able to lay down for a nap. It has been so long since I've felt like this, and I'm really enjoying it, without getting too over zealous!

All of this still doesn't take away my fear of having postpartum depression again though. Dr. Troy has told me that I will be feeling so much better when that baby comes, but I know that PPD has some serious power and I'm not sure if being gluten and sugar free will keep that away. But I'm praying, I'm hopeful, and I'm armed with more knowledge and resources now than I could have ever imagined. I'm going to see a medical doctor on Thursday in the cities who deals specifically with postpartum depression. She's had articles published about her research and so I am hopeful that she can shed more light on that topic for me and we can set up a plan that will ease my worries related to that part of my birth plan.

Have a wonderfully HOT 4th of July!

No What??

No wheat...no sugar....

I don't like Dr. Troy very much anymore. After a round of food testing, he found that I have a wheat sensitivity. AND a sugar sensitivity. I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal until I came home, opened the cupboards looking for a snack, and found nothing to satisfy my craving. I bet you can guess what I was craving...something with sugar or bread-like. This feels next to impossible right now. I wanted to scream at him, "YOU KNOW I'M PREGNANT DON'T YOU!?!?!" But I knew he already knew that, and that screaming at him would only solidify the hormones that are raging though my body right now.

So, I'm trying to think of it like this...If Dr. Troy believes that wheat and sugar are not good for me right now, he probably feels that the baby doesn't really need them either. He said this isn't permanent, and at this point I'll hold him to that. (But I secretly think he is brainwashing me and in a couple weeks, I will understand. I will try to go back to lots of sugar and I will feel miserable. I can't be tricked!) *insert evil laugh here*

BUT I LOVE SUGAR, and bread, and pasta, and crackers! Well duh, if you are craving it that bad, then you are probably over-doing it and relying on it a little (or a lot) too much. Just like anything else in excess right...too much gambling, drinking, running, spending money, working, watching tv...anything in excess is not good for you, and sometimes the easiest way to stop that bad habit, is to just quit it all together. Do that have a patch for this? No Laura, no patch, no pill, no easy way out. Just do it!

If you do a little research, you will be surprised, or maybe not, to see what an overabundance of sugar can do to the body and the brain. I know what it is doing right now, making me very sad and irritable because I can't have it. I actually laid on bathroom floor and cried because I didn't think I could handle eating like this. Yikes! There, I admitted it. Don't judge. I've made lunch, did some yoga work, loaded the dishwasher, and typed all of this since then, so it wasn't the end of the world, but it sure felt like it for a minute.

Of course, I'm starving! Well, that's what I keep saying out loud as if that will make it all better. I'm probably not starving, actually I know I'm not because I've watched many series of Survivor and they survive 40 days with much, much, much less. It's just a shock to my brain and my body to have to change my way of eating and thinking. Did Dr. Troy not hear me when I told him that I was feeling very fatigued....Now he's trying to starve me?

It feels so good to write this all down. Honestly, I never knew how much it would help me to process the logical parts to all of this. And to have you listening to it!? Poor you and thank you! But, I don't feel one bit sad for you yet....join me on this no wheat, no sugar "lifestyle" and then you might get some sympathy!

Have a good day....what the heck...make it a great day and have a piece of chocolate for me!

Yoga

I haven't mentioned yoga yet on this blog, but yoga found me when we moved to Belle Plaine almost 2 years ago. I was standing in line at the grocery story feeling like I had been uprooted and moved out of my comfort zone. I had, so those were totally normal feelings. I saw a poster on the wall advertising yoga and was excited to learn more.

After trying a couple classes, I knew I was hooked. It was a great way to meet new people, exercise, and find that body-mind-soul connection that I needed. Mystic Journey was put into my life for a reason. I believe God has a plan for all of us and that none of this just happens. Our lives are planned out long before we were even a thought, and if we are open to the messages God is sending, they will come.

God put yoga in my life. He knew it would change me for the greater good and it has. Yoga is about digging deep. It isn't easy by any means. Sure, there is relaxation yoga which sounds easy, but to really do yoga you need to be able to relax totally making no judgements and just listen to your mind and body communicate. There are so many different styles of yoga and so much to learn about it. I know very little in comparison to all of the information that is out there.

Yoga has so many benefits; the list goes on and on, but the greatest benefit I have found in yoga is the gift of relaxation. I have become healthier, stronger, and even a little taller through my yoga practice, but the strength it has given my mind, is greater than all of those.

Because of Mystic Journey, I took an interest in learning about kids yoga. I am one module away from completing my YogaKids International training and by the first week in August, I will be a CYKT-200 (200 hour certified yoga kids teacher)! The final part of my training is a 7-day Transformations in Estes Park, Colorado. I am very excited, but very nervous too.

This will be the longest time that I have been away from Ross and Elyse. It will be the first time I travel alone (Ross is a phenomenal tour guide so I've never worried about any of that). I am trusting that by July 27th, when I need to board that airplane headed for Colorado, that my anxiety is calm, peaceful, and not rearing it's ugly head. I have invested a lot of time and money into this because I believe God has a plan for me and Kids Yoga. I hope it is teaching yoga in the schools or traveling the world sharing Yoga with kids all over the Earth. Wouldn't that be an amazing job! I would home-school Elyse and we would travel the world sharing yoga with children all over. "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars!"

And then onto another quote, "When one door closes, another door opens." Mystic Journey closed it's doors this past week. It's been emotionally tough. We had a wonderful final yoga practice and farewell celebration last Friday. It has been quite the shock to my system not practicing yoga on a regular basis. I need to get better at creating my own home practice, but practicing at home isn't the same. So, I'm waiting for that new door to open. I've been doing my research and hope to try out a few other studios in the area. Trust in His timing. It will all work out!

Elyse is still sleeping so...

Figured I could post another one quick. So I raved about this book I was reading earlier today, and already I dislike it. This is the problem. I love starting these books because I always feel like, "Yes! That's me! I can totally relate." (Regardless of how I feel now it still is a good book. I might have got a little scared when they talked about using shock therapy and recommending that the nervously-ill mom go live in a "stress-free" setting for two months.....Can I really do that? How about Hawaii or Florida?) Remember, the copyright date is 1969. We've made lots of advances since then, but I really do believe 2 months in a stress-free setting would be wonderful for anyone...Being welcomed back to reality...I don't know how well that would go though. All jokes aside, I know there are places like that and I guess if it got to that point, I would definitely try it (of course on a loan from my parents). :)

So they give you a strategy to try and I try it for a few hours and feel defeated when it doesn't work instantly. Well, my logical mind says that that would seem pretty common. Your brain has been hard wired to be a bit anxious most of the time, and overly anxious some of the time, so do you really expect to learn how to not be anxious in a matter of hours?! Get real, right!

Well, I do. So....I'm going to compare this to learning a foreign language. I've spoke English all my life just like I've practiced being a little bit of a worrier all of my life. I took two years of Spanish in high school. I watch LOTS of Dora. I can speak Spanish a tiny bit...numbers, colors, ABCs, a few Dora phrases, but after 2 years of practicing it in high school I'm really no better at it now than before I took those Spanish classes. Why? Because I don't practice it. If I did practice, I'd make a few mistakes. I'd learn along the way. Being immersed in it would be best.

So, learning to not be anxious is pretty similar. Why would I expect myself to be an expert at being anxiety-free after an hour of reading a book. Patience my dear! Ups and downs are totally normal. Nothing to beat yourself up over. Each time the anxiety is overwhelming you need to look at it as a learning opportunity, not a setback.

You may have noticed the constant communication going on in my brain in the way these posts turn out. I think it is a bit funny, because it does really give you a look at all that my brain is analyzing every minute of every day. To those of you that don't experience anxiety (like my husband), I'm sure you find this all a bit.......I don't know....confusing, exhausting, humorous......I'm not offended. I don't understand how you men can be obsessed with sports either. I don't think I will ever get it, just like many will never really understand the grip of anxiety.

And rest assured, since this intense anxiety found me a little over 3 years ago, I would say 80% of my life has been at a very normal stress level and 20% has been a little bit clouded by this beautiful mess called anxiety. I need to be reminded of frequently.

Elyse needs to wake up soon or this momma will be exhausted with all this thinking. I know I could clean the house, pick weeds, bake something, but unfortunately, it is Sunday and I need to keep this day work-free. ;)

Oldie but Goodie

I ordered a book off Amazon and haven't been able to put it down since it arrived in the mail yesterday. For anyone who would like to better understand what anxiety, excessive anxiety, feels like, this is the book to read. It is old, like 1969 old, but it is the best resource I have found yet for understanding anxiety. Knowledge is power. The title is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes.

Several chapters in this book ring so true to me, that I am hopeful, with this thinking I can make some big changes. One of the chapters talks about "That Dreaded Morning Feeling." She hits the nail on the head there. It isn't that I don't want a new day, it is just that I don't want a new day filled with anxiety.

This morning is a wonderful one! Very little anxiety....I'm practicing acceptance as Dr. Weekes suggests saying that by merely accepting the strange feelings in your body without judging them, questioning them, or worrying about them, you can take away their power and go on with your day. I've been practicing this in simply saying, "You can be here. I accept this feeling, but I am not able to let you stop me from______ right now."

Aside from the actual strategy that she is teaching in the book, my other favorite chapter is "Three Good Friends: Occupation, Courage, Religion." After reading this chapter, I finally felt like I wasn't just a weirdo. This is what I hear over and over, "You're so lucky to be a teacher! You get the whole summer off? Are you enjoying your summer?"

"Um..ah...well, yea! It's going great!" But in my mind, I'm saying something totally different. I'm thinking, "I know I should be enjoying summer. Many people would love to have the summer off, so why can't I just enjoy it." I do enjoy having time for fun family outings, appointments, reading good books, and enjoying the summer sunshine, but it is the idle time where I'm not sure what to do that gets the best of me.

Here is the paragraph in this book that was a huge "Ah Ha!" moment for me, "As I have so often stressed before, idleness, to a nervously ill person, can be torture, each moment an eternity, and the strain almost unbearable. The exhausted mind races agitatedly and yet watches each second pass. No amount of self-chastisement can stop it. It seems almost beyond the powers of the sufferer to free himself from this situation, unless he has some crutch on which to rest his tired mind. Occupation in the company of others is his best crutch."

We've been on summer break for a few weeks now, and slowly my body is figuring it out, but it takes a lot longer than I would like. Thinking about the fact that we still have the entire month of July and most of August is extremely overwhelming. So for today, I'll only think about today. Have no fear, when September is here, I'll miss summer and want it back, but I know that working a job is best for my mind and my body. I can focus my energy elsewhere and the anxiety takes a back seat. I love it!

Happy Sunday! The sun is shining brightly, the birds are singing, and today will be a great day!

Hello Everyone!

Well, I've only had this blog for a few days and already I've heard from so many people that have also dealt with anxiety/depression/postpartum in one way or another, most often it was them personally. I so much appreciate you sharing your story with me. Each time someone sends me a message in response to the blog, I get a bit of anxiety inside. All the questions that I ask myself about who I am, who they judge me to be, and how they view what I am hoping to do with this blog. It's a bit scary, but because anxiety is only fear, the only way I can overcome it is to face it. Ross continues to be my logical voice in saying that this is a good thing for me, and for others. Those who have a problem with it aren't worth the worry. I agree, now to just get myself to believe it. :)

Being a parent is a job that has an endless job description, and no matter how hard you try, you can never be prepared for all that it entails. As a mom, or dad, we try to put on that happy face and march on! Sometimes that works, but sometimes, we just have to let loose. Let the emotions be real and not judge them as they come. We want our children to be able to express themselves openly and honestly with us right, so why wouldn't we expect the same of ourselves?

We are taking it easy and having a relaxing weekend at home. Looks like the weather will be beautiful and so hopefully we can play outside, read some good books, watch a few good movies, and just r.e.l.a.x. That is hard for me to do, but I will try my best!

You Are Not...

I stole this entry from one of the postpartum websites that I follow. I think it probably rings true for more people than not, but it just takes a lots of guts to speak it out loud. Many of these statements ring true for me, so if you've ever felt this way too...we're in the same boat. Like this author says, "YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE."http://mooshinindy.com/you are not.

June 1, 2010

You are not the only one who spends all day in bed, wakes up ten minutes before your significant other gets home and plows through the house attempting to give them some semblance of your productivity.
You are not the only one who hates taking that pill everyday.
You are not the only one who stops taking your medication because you hate what it does to you and why can’t you just feel normal on your own?
You are not the only one for whom medication does not work.
You are not the only one who has spent an inordinate amount of money in an attempt to make yourself feel better.
You are not the only one who wants a hug from your husband without him attempting to make a move on you.
You are not the only one with a significant other who just doesn’t get it.
You are not the only one that wants to crawl back in bed instead of walking with your kids to the park on a sunny day.
You are not the only one who wants to kick puppies and wield stabby objects when someone suggests you “pray harder” or “have more faith.”
You are not the only one who has gone into a shouty rage when asked “Did you remember to take your medication?”
You are not the only one that is afraid to write about your feelings on the Internet.
You are not the only one who worries how other people will perceive your so called “weaknesses.”
You are not the only one who spent years self medicating with alcohol.
You are not the only one who regrets their children on the bad days.
You are not the only one with a family who doesn’t understand “what the hell’s wrong with you and why on earth can’t you just get over it already?”
You are not the only one who cries at silly things all the time.
You are not the only one who is tired all the time.
You are not the only one who never wants to have the sex.
You are not the only one who doesn’t want to have more children because you’re just not sure you could handle going through post partum again.
You are not the only one who has been in a hospital for depression.
You are also not the only one who has considered if a stay in the hospital wouldn’t be just what you needed.
You are not the only one who worries about passing this disease down to your children.
You are not the only one who feels this way.
But you know what you are?
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
And if you keep insisting that you are for the sake of your own pride?
You are not going to get better.
God didn’t put billions of people on the planet for us to only take care of ourselves.

Dr. Troy...Do I believe in miracles?

I'm kind of a perfectionist and really struggle with the fact the I might just have "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" for the rest of my life. May, just maybe, I have to come to grips with this and it will make dealing with it easier...but I'm not there yet. My therapist says, "I need to become friends with my emotions." *Big sigh...* Someday...maybe... I am trying some strategies, just in case. ;)

One of my friends at work recommended Dr. Troy to me as I was explaining some of my symptoms to her recently. So, for the next 6 weeks, I'm putting a lot of hope in Dr. Troy. I still don't know how to describe what type of doctor he is, but I think he started as a chiropractor. He would probably say that after years of listening to people tell about their symptoms, he has become a doctor that treats the whole-body for well-being. He looks at physical, mental, and emotional health. He says that we commonly treat our symptoms instead of getting to the real problem. For example, taking an anti-depressant is treating the symptoms of feeling depressed rather than figuring out the real underlying issue for the depression that could simply be a food allergy, hormonal imbalance, incorrect messages being sent to the brain from other parts of the body, or a sleep disorder. He is not saying that depression does not exist, he is simply saying that for some people depression is a symptom that results from something else. Make sense?

So, here is what he has to say about me...in a nutshell...in my terms...trying to understand him to the best of my ability.

Dr. Troy says that at some point in my life I experienced "trauma." Since so many of my major symptoms began after giving birth, we are assuming that childbirth was registered in my brain as trauma, and as a result my body (muscles and nerves) have been misfiring and providing incorrect information to my brain since. By testing how my muscles react to different stressors, he can tell that the right side of my brain is always saying "GO!" and the left side of my brain is saying, "STOP!" which is leading my body to being in pretty constant fight or flight mode. I'm burnin' rubber in my brain all day long. And that's a good description of what it feels like!

Today he made the comment that my shoulders were as tense as if I had just been in a car accident. Any complex movement (where more than one muscle is being used) is sensed by my body as stress and so my body begins to overreact, leading to my anxiety and the physical symptoms that come with it.

At this time, I believe this man is a genius. He adjusted my head today because, all kidding aside, my head was not on straight. :) We'll see if I notice a difference and hope that it stays on straight for my next visit on Monday. He said I should feel better within the first week of treatments and I am hopeful!

Sleeping Like A Baby

I slept like a baby last night and am so thankful for that! Some nights it feels like I may never fall asleep, and I'm trying to not worry about the "what if..." part of it. Will I survive without sleep? Yes. Will I still be able to function? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. But sleep will come.

We saw a rainbow last night too, and I'm holding on to that as a good sign too! Now if I could just find that pot of gold, we'd be set.

Mornings are rough. I wake up feeling fine and within 5 minutes, I can feel like anxiety sneaking in. Of course, the anxious brain begins asking questions and becoming upset about the anxiety, but what I'm learning is that I need to acknowledge it and let the thought pass like a wave. There is no right or wrong way to feel emotions (anxiety is just fear) and so I need to stop judging myself for how I feel. Just let it be....It is easier said than done, as I'm sure you all know!

So today I got up, had breakfast, got Elyse ready, went for a walk, sat on the deck and read "Fifty Shade of Grey," showered, and am ready to head to the cities for an appointment with a Natural Healing/Whole Body Wellness Chiropractor. I'll have to fill you in more on his approach to all of this anxiety later. It's a very interesting approach, and if I train my brain to believe it, I think I will find success with his treatments. That's the anxiety again doubting what he knows to be true and has already told me will be helpful for me.

Make it a great day! And it's okay if you trip along the way.


Anxiety is part of creativity, the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within.David Duchovny

2 More Things

I forgot to say that our due date is February 6th.

And, we have not told Elyse yet, but have been asking a few probing questions. When she gets a baby she wants a boy and a girl. When asked which ONE she would like, she put on her whiny voice and said, "I don't want just one. I want both!" Yikes! I surely hope she isn't psychic!

The Truth

We are expecting!! Elyse will be a big sister in February! Exciting news, right! In all honesty, I couldn't be more scared. I know,  I should feel beyond blessed...and I do, deep down. But I am gripped by fear.

Pregnancy with Elyse was wonderful. I was glowing. It was everything I had hoped for and more. I should expect this one to be the same, but what was not wonderful about the birth with Elyse was the severe postpartum anxiety and depression that quickly followed.

Since only a few people know how severe it was, I will take a little time to be 100% honest so you can begin to understand where my latest fear is coming from.

All moms experience a little "baby blues" and I could say I had that too. The uncertainty, the change in routine, and the huge responsibility of taking care of a life will do that to you. But about 5 days after Elyse was born, I woke up in the night in a state of mind that I will never forget. I came out of the bedroom and found Ross watching tv in the living room. He could tell just by looking at me that I was not myself and immediately asked what he needed to do. I felt like I was not in my body, I was shaking, I was dizzy, I was scared, and I thought I was going to die.

I got in the car and Ross packed up a bag for Elyse, all 5 days old of her, and we headed to the ER. I had enough sense to know that this was related to the birth and I could even tell the receptionist that I was suffering some sort of postpartum depression. They checked me in, put me in a bed, gave me an obnoxiously large dose of Ativan (which I will never take again), let me rest a few hours, gave me a prescription for more Ativan, and sent me home.

Poor Ross. New baby, drug-induced sleeping wife, and a prescription to fill at Wal-Greens. I don't remember this part, but Ross tells me we sat in the drive through at Wal-Greens for what seemed like an hour waiting for this prescription to be filled.

I don't really remember the next 24 hours, Elyse's newborn baby pictures and all, but I do remember knowing that I needed more help. After a doctor appointment with an OB (mine was on vacation), another visit to the ER, and an overnight stay on the psychiatric floor, I finally had a psychiatrist prescribing and monitoring my medication. Thank God!

It took a good 6 weeks to get out of this funk, but I made it. Anxiety has never left me and any stressful situation can lead to a panic attack, but I'm getting better at coping. Most days. :) In all honesty, I have been doing really well. The only other time it got really bad was when we moved from Mankato to Belle Plaine, but that was stress-induced, related to change of home and work, and I think was sort of expected, but came as unexpected to me.

So, here we are today. Again, feeling like the anxiety, and depression, are trying to smother me. Why do I feel better typing "fear" and "sadness" instead of A and D? They seem to have such negative stigmas attached, unfortunately.

I guess I came to the realization today that if I want to overcome this, I need to be open and honest. I need people to know that this is real. Yes, I try to "get up and get going, get outside, eat healthy, pretend it isn't there, etc. etc," but it is there. If I had the flu, I'd struggle to do my routine as well. I'd probably try, but it would be difficult and some days I wouldn't feel like putting in the effort. It is easier for me to be honest about not being okay, than it is for me to pretend that I am okay. I need to be honest with myself.

I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I will take meds while I am pregnant because I need to. Period. End of discussion. You can ask anyone who has dealt with a mental health issue, and I'm sure they will tell you that you will never understand unless you have been there. I will say the exact same thing.

This blog is going to be open and honest. It is not a place for judgement. It is a place where I can find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for me, and hopefully I can help someone else who is feeling the same way, because there are millions of women who are battling a perinatal mood disorder just like mine who feel alone, scared, and judged for the things that their brain is doing right now.

I am strong because I am willing to share. It only took me a little over 3 years to get here! I struggle eating, sleeping, keeping up with Elyse, making meals, and keeping the house clean right now. It has been a little over a month of feeling like this and so just like there are stages of grief, I think there are stages of this too! The good news is, I can continue my daily routine (when I really want to push myself) because you can do that with anxiety. Even though your body feels totally uncomfortable (skin crawling, heart racing, dizziness, stomach ache, tense muscles, dry mouth, fatigue) none of symptoms stop you from continuing to function. The mind is what slows me down. Some days are better than others and this is a journey that I like to call a beautiful mess. I will learn something from this, God trusts me with this responsibility, and I will make it a better place by being open about mental health.