Wednesday, June 27, 2012

No What??

No wheat...no sugar....

I don't like Dr. Troy very much anymore. After a round of food testing, he found that I have a wheat sensitivity. AND a sugar sensitivity. I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal until I came home, opened the cupboards looking for a snack, and found nothing to satisfy my craving. I bet you can guess what I was craving...something with sugar or bread-like. This feels next to impossible right now. I wanted to scream at him, "YOU KNOW I'M PREGNANT DON'T YOU!?!?!" But I knew he already knew that, and that screaming at him would only solidify the hormones that are raging though my body right now.

So, I'm trying to think of it like this...If Dr. Troy believes that wheat and sugar are not good for me right now, he probably feels that the baby doesn't really need them either. He said this isn't permanent, and at this point I'll hold him to that. (But I secretly think he is brainwashing me and in a couple weeks, I will understand. I will try to go back to lots of sugar and I will feel miserable. I can't be tricked!) *insert evil laugh here*

BUT I LOVE SUGAR, and bread, and pasta, and crackers! Well duh, if you are craving it that bad, then you are probably over-doing it and relying on it a little (or a lot) too much. Just like anything else in excess right...too much gambling, drinking, running, spending money, working, watching tv...anything in excess is not good for you, and sometimes the easiest way to stop that bad habit, is to just quit it all together. Do that have a patch for this? No Laura, no patch, no pill, no easy way out. Just do it!

If you do a little research, you will be surprised, or maybe not, to see what an overabundance of sugar can do to the body and the brain. I know what it is doing right now, making me very sad and irritable because I can't have it. I actually laid on bathroom floor and cried because I didn't think I could handle eating like this. Yikes! There, I admitted it. Don't judge. I've made lunch, did some yoga work, loaded the dishwasher, and typed all of this since then, so it wasn't the end of the world, but it sure felt like it for a minute.

Of course, I'm starving! Well, that's what I keep saying out loud as if that will make it all better. I'm probably not starving, actually I know I'm not because I've watched many series of Survivor and they survive 40 days with much, much, much less. It's just a shock to my brain and my body to have to change my way of eating and thinking. Did Dr. Troy not hear me when I told him that I was feeling very fatigued....Now he's trying to starve me?

It feels so good to write this all down. Honestly, I never knew how much it would help me to process the logical parts to all of this. And to have you listening to it!? Poor you and thank you! But, I don't feel one bit sad for you yet....join me on this no wheat, no sugar "lifestyle" and then you might get some sympathy!

Have a good day....what the heck...make it a great day and have a piece of chocolate for me!


Monday, June 25, 2012

Yoga

I haven't mentioned yoga yet on this blog, but yoga found me when we moved to Belle Plaine almost 2 years ago. I was standing in line at the grocery story feeling like I had been uprooted and moved out of my comfort zone. I had, so those were totally normal feelings. I saw a poster on the wall advertising yoga and was excited to learn more.

After trying a couple classes, I knew I was hooked. It was a great way to meet new people, exercise, and find that body-mind-soul connection that I needed. Mystic Journey was put into my life for a reason. I believe God has a plan for all of us and that none of this just happens. Our lives are planned out long before we were even a thought, and if we are open to the messages God is sending, they will come.

God put yoga in my life. He knew it would change me for the greater good and it has. Yoga is about digging deep. It isn't easy by any means. Sure, there is relaxation yoga which sounds easy, but to really do yoga you need to be able to relax totally making no judgements and just listen to your mind and body communicate. There are so many different styles of yoga and so much to learn about it. I know very little in comparison to all of the information that is out there.

Yoga has so many benefits; the list goes on and on, but the greatest benefit I have found in yoga is the gift of relaxation. I have become healthier, stronger, and even a little taller through my yoga practice, but the strength it has given my mind, is greater than all of those.

Because of Mystic Journey, I took an interest in learning about kids yoga. I am one module away from completing my YogaKids International training and by the first week in August, I will be a CYKT-200 (200 hour certified yoga kids teacher)! The final part of my training is a 7-day Transformations in Estes Park, Colorado. I am very excited, but very nervous too.

This will be the longest time that I have been away from Ross and Elyse. It will be the first time I travel alone (Ross is a phenomenal tour guide so I've never worried about any of that). I am trusting that by July 27th, when I need to board that airplane headed for Colorado, that my anxiety is calm, peaceful, and not rearing it's ugly head. I have invested a lot of time and money into this because I believe God has a plan for me and Kids Yoga. I hope it is teaching yoga in the schools or traveling the world sharing Yoga with kids all over the Earth. Wouldn't that be an amazing job! I would home-school Elyse and we would travel the world sharing yoga with children all over. "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars!"

And then onto another quote, "When one door closes, another door opens." Mystic Journey closed it's doors this past week. It's been emotionally tough. We had a wonderful final yoga practice and farewell celebration last Friday. It has been quite the shock to my system not practicing yoga on a regular basis. I need to get better at creating my own home practice, but practicing at home isn't the same. So, I'm waiting for that new door to open. I've been doing my research and hope to try out a few other studios in the area. Trust in His timing. It will all work out!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Elyse is still sleeping so...

Figured I could post another one quick. So I raved about this book I was reading earlier today, and already I dislike it. This is the problem. I love starting these books because I always feel like, "Yes! That's me! I can totally relate." (Regardless of how I feel now it still is a good book. I might have got a little scared when they talked about using shock therapy and recommending that the nervously-ill mom go live in a "stress-free" setting for two months.....Can I really do that? How about Hawaii or Florida?) Remember, the copyright date is 1969. We've made lots of advances since then, but I really do believe 2 months in a stress-free setting would be wonderful for anyone...Being welcomed back to reality...I don't know how well that would go though. All jokes aside, I know there are places like that and I guess if it got to that point, I would definitely try it (of course on a loan from my parents). :)

So they give you a strategy to try and I try it for a few hours and feel defeated when it doesn't work instantly. Well, my logical mind says that that would seem pretty common. Your brain has been hard wired to be a bit anxious most of the time, and overly anxious some of the time, so do you really expect to learn how to not be anxious in a matter of hours?! Get real, right!

Well, I do. So....I'm going to compare this to learning a foreign language. I've spoke English all my life just like I've practiced being a little bit of a worrier all of my life. I took two years of Spanish in high school. I watch LOTS of Dora. I can speak Spanish a tiny bit...numbers, colors, ABCs, a few Dora phrases, but after 2 years of practicing it in high school I'm really no better at it now than before I took those Spanish classes. Why? Because I don't practice it. If I did practice, I'd make a few mistakes. I'd learn along the way. Being immersed in it would be best.

So, learning to not be anxious is pretty similar. Why would I expect myself to be an expert at being anxiety-free after an hour of reading a book. Patience my dear! Ups and downs are totally normal. Nothing to beat yourself up over. Each time the anxiety is overwhelming you need to look at it as a learning opportunity, not a setback.

You may have noticed the constant communication going on in my brain in the way these posts turn out. I think it is a bit funny, because it does really give you a look at all that my brain is analyzing every minute of every day. To those of you that don't experience anxiety (like my husband), I'm sure you find this all a bit.......I don't know....confusing, exhausting, humorous......I'm not offended. I don't understand how you men can be obsessed with sports either. I don't think I will ever get it, just like many will never really understand the grip of anxiety.

And rest assured, since this intense anxiety found me a little over 3 years ago, I would say 80% of my life has been at a very normal stress level and 20% has been a little bit clouded by this beautiful mess called anxiety. I need to be reminded of frequently.

Elyse needs to wake up soon or this momma will be exhausted with all this thinking. I know I could clean the house, pick weeds, bake something, but unfortunately, it is Sunday and I need to keep this day work-free. ;)

Oldie but Goodie

I ordered a book off Amazon and haven't been able to put it down since it arrived in the mail yesterday. For anyone who would like to better understand what anxiety, excessive anxiety, feels like, this is the book to read. It is old, like 1969 old, but it is the best resource I have found yet for understanding anxiety. Knowledge is power. The title is "Hope and Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes.

Several chapters in this book ring so true to me, that I am hopeful, with this thinking I can make some big changes. One of the chapters talks about "That Dreaded Morning Feeling." She hits the nail on the head there. It isn't that I don't want a new day, it is just that I don't want a new day filled with anxiety.

This morning is a wonderful one! Very little anxiety....I'm practicing acceptance as Dr. Weekes suggests saying that by merely accepting the strange feelings in your body without judging them, questioning them, or worrying about them, you can take away their power and go on with your day. I've been practicing this in simply saying, "You can be here. I accept this feeling, but I am not able to let you stop me from______ right now."

Aside from the actual strategy that she is teaching in the book, my other favorite chapter is "Three Good Friends: Occupation, Courage, Religion." After reading this chapter, I finally felt like I wasn't just a weirdo. This is what I hear over and over, "You're so lucky to be a teacher! You get the whole summer off? Are you enjoying your summer?"

"Um..ah...well, yea! It's going great!" But in my mind, I'm saying something totally different. I'm thinking, "I know I should be enjoying summer. Many people would love to have the summer off, so why can't I just enjoy it." I do enjoy having time for fun family outings, appointments, reading good books, and enjoying the summer sunshine, but it is the idle time where I'm not sure what to do that gets the best of me.

Here is the paragraph in this book that was a huge "Ah Ha!" moment for me, "As I have so often stressed before, idleness, to a nervously ill person, can be torture, each moment an eternity, and the strain almost unbearable. The exhausted mind races agitatedly and yet watches each second pass. No amount of self-chastisement can stop it. It seems almost beyond the powers of the sufferer to free himself from this situation, unless he has some crutch on which to rest his tired mind. Occupation in the company of others is his best crutch."

We've been on summer break for a few weeks now, and slowly my body is figuring it out, but it takes a lot longer than I would like. Thinking about the fact that we still have the entire month of July and most of August is extremely overwhelming. So for today, I'll only think about today. Have no fear, when September is here, I'll miss summer and want it back, but I know that working a job is best for my mind and my body. I can focus my energy elsewhere and the anxiety takes a back seat. I love it!

Happy Sunday! The sun is shining brightly, the birds are singing, and today will be a great day!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Hello Everyone!

Well, I've only had this blog for a few days and already I've heard from so many people that have also dealt with anxiety/depression/postpartum in one way or another, most often it was them personally. I so much appreciate you sharing your story with me. Each time someone sends me a message in response to the blog, I get a bit of anxiety inside. All the questions that I ask myself about who I am, who they judge me to be, and how they view what I am hoping to do with this blog. It's a bit scary, but because anxiety is only fear, the only way I can overcome it is to face it. Ross continues to be my logical voice in saying that this is a good thing for me, and for others. Those who have a problem with it aren't worth the worry. I agree, now to just get myself to believe it. :)

Being a parent is a job that has an endless job description, and no matter how hard you try, you can never be prepared for all that it entails. As a mom, or dad, we try to put on that happy face and march on! Sometimes that works, but sometimes, we just have to let loose. Let the emotions be real and not judge them as they come. We want our children to be able to express themselves openly and honestly with us right, so why wouldn't we expect the same of ourselves?

We are taking it easy and having a relaxing weekend at home. Looks like the weather will be beautiful and so hopefully we can play outside, read some good books, watch a few good movies, and just r.e.l.a.x. That is hard for me to do, but I will try my best!


Thursday, June 21, 2012

You Are Not...

I stole this entry from one of the postpartum websites that I follow. I think it probably rings true for more people than not, but it just takes a lots of guts to speak it out loud. Many of these statements ring true for me, so if you've ever felt this way too...we're in the same boat. Like this author says, "YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE."http://mooshinindy.com/you are not.
You are not the only one who spends all day in bed, wakes up ten minutes before your significant other gets home and plows through the house attempting to give them some semblance of your productivity.
You are not the only one who hates taking that pill everyday.
You are not the only one who stops taking your medication because you hate what it does to you and why can’t you just feel normal on your own?
You are not the only one for whom medication does not work.
You are not the only one who has spent an inordinate amount of money in an attempt to make yourself feel better.
You are not the only one who wants a hug from your husband without him attempting to make a move on you.
You are not the only one with a significant other who just doesn’t get it.
You are not the only one that wants to crawl back in bed instead of walking with your kids to the park on a sunny day.
You are not the only one who wants to kick puppies and wield stabby objects when someone suggests you “pray harder” or “have more faith.”
You are not the only one who has gone into a shouty rage when asked “Did you remember to take your medication?”
You are not the only one that is afraid to write about your feelings on the Internet.
You are not the only one who worries how other people will perceive your so called “weaknesses.”
You are not the only one who spent years self medicating with alcohol.
You are not the only one who regrets their children on the bad days.
You are not the only one with a family who doesn’t understand “what the hell’s wrong with you and why on earth can’t you just get over it already?”
You are not the only one who cries at silly things all the time.
You are not the only one who is tired all the time.
You are not the only one who never wants to have the sex.
You are not the only one who doesn’t want to have more children because you’re just not sure you could handle going through post partum again.
You are not the only one who has been in a hospital for depression.
You are also not the only one who has considered if a stay in the hospital wouldn’t be just what you needed.
You are not the only one who worries about passing this disease down to your children.
You are not the only one who feels this way.
But you know what you are?
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
And if you keep insisting that you are for the sake of your own pride?
You are not going to get better.
God didn’t put billions of people on the planet for us to only take care of ourselves.

Dr. Troy...Do I believe in miracles?

I'm kind of a perfectionist and really struggle with the fact the I might just have "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" for the rest of my life. May, just maybe, I have to come to grips with this and it will make dealing with it easier...but I'm not there yet. My therapist says, "I need to become friends with my emotions." *Big sigh...* Someday...maybe... I am trying some strategies, just in case. ;)

One of my friends at work recommended Dr. Troy to me as I was explaining some of my symptoms to her recently. So, for the next 6 weeks, I'm putting a lot of hope in Dr. Troy. I still don't know how to describe what type of doctor he is, but I think he started as a chiropractor. He would probably say that after years of listening to people tell about their symptoms, he has become a doctor that treats the whole-body for well-being. He looks at physical, mental, and emotional health. He says that we commonly treat our symptoms instead of getting to the real problem. For example, taking an anti-depressant is treating the symptoms of feeling depressed rather than figuring out the real underlying issue for the depression that could simply be a food allergy, hormonal imbalance, incorrect messages being sent to the brain from other parts of the body, or a sleep disorder. He is not saying that depression does not exist, he is simply saying that for some people depression is a symptom that results from something else. Make sense?

So, here is what he has to say about me...in a nutshell...in my terms...trying to understand him to the best of my ability.

Dr. Troy says that at some point in my life I experienced "trauma." Since so many of my major symptoms began after giving birth, we are assuming that childbirth was registered in my brain as trauma, and as a result my body (muscles and nerves) have been misfiring and providing incorrect information to my brain since. By testing how my muscles react to different stressors, he can tell that the right side of my brain is always saying "GO!" and the left side of my brain is saying, "STOP!" which is leading my body to being in pretty constant fight or flight mode. I'm burnin' rubber in my brain all day long. And that's a good description of what it feels like!

Today he made the comment that my shoulders were as tense as if I had just been in a car accident. Any complex movement (where more than one muscle is being used) is sensed by my body as stress and so my body begins to overreact, leading to my anxiety and the physical symptoms that come with it.

At this time, I believe this man is a genius. He adjusted my head today because, all kidding aside, my head was not on straight. :) We'll see if I notice a difference and hope that it stays on straight for my next visit on Monday. He said I should feel better within the first week of treatments and I am hopeful!


Sleeping Like A Baby

I slept like a baby last night and am so thankful for that! Some nights it feels like I may never fall asleep, and I'm trying to not worry about the "what if..." part of it. Will I survive without sleep? Yes. Will I still be able to function? Yes. Will it be hard? Yes. But sleep will come.

We saw a rainbow last night too, and I'm holding on to that as a good sign too! Now if I could just find that pot of gold, we'd be set.

Mornings are rough. I wake up feeling fine and within 5 minutes, I can feel like anxiety sneaking in. Of course, the anxious brain begins asking questions and becoming upset about the anxiety, but what I'm learning is that I need to acknowledge it and let the thought pass like a wave. There is no right or wrong way to feel emotions (anxiety is just fear) and so I need to stop judging myself for how I feel. Just let it be....It is easier said than done, as I'm sure you all know!

So today I got up, had breakfast, got Elyse ready, went for a walk, sat on the deck and read "Fifty Shade of Grey," showered, and am ready to head to the cities for an appointment with a Natural Healing/Whole Body Wellness Chiropractor. I'll have to fill you in more on his approach to all of this anxiety later. It's a very interesting approach, and if I train my brain to believe it, I think I will find success with his treatments. That's the anxiety again doubting what he knows to be true and has already told me will be helpful for me.

Make it a great day! And it's okay if you trip along the way.


Anxiety is part of creativity, the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within.David Duchovny

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

2 More Things

I forgot to say that our due date is February 6th.

And, we have not told Elyse yet, but have been asking a few probing questions. When she gets a baby she wants a boy and a girl. When asked which ONE she would like, she put on her whiny voice and said, "I don't want just one. I want both!" Yikes! I surely hope she isn't psychic!

The Truth

We are expecting!! Elyse will be a big sister in February! Exciting news, right! In all honesty, I couldn't be more scared. I know,  I should feel beyond blessed...and I do, deep down. But I am gripped by fear.

Pregnancy with Elyse was wonderful. I was glowing. It was everything I had hoped for and more. I should expect this one to be the same, but what was not wonderful about the birth with Elyse was the severe postpartum anxiety and depression that quickly followed.

Since only a few people know how severe it was, I will take a little time to be 100% honest so you can begin to understand where my latest fear is coming from.

All moms experience a little "baby blues" and I could say I had that too. The uncertainty, the change in routine, and the huge responsibility of taking care of a life will do that to you. But about 5 days after Elyse was born, I woke up in the night in a state of mind that I will never forget. I came out of the bedroom and found Ross watching tv in the living room. He could tell just by looking at me that I was not myself and immediately asked what he needed to do. I felt like I was not in my body, I was shaking, I was dizzy, I was scared, and I thought I was going to die.

I got in the car and Ross packed up a bag for Elyse, all 5 days old of her, and we headed to the ER. I had enough sense to know that this was related to the birth and I could even tell the receptionist that I was suffering some sort of postpartum depression. They checked me in, put me in a bed, gave me an obnoxiously large dose of Ativan (which I will never take again), let me rest a few hours, gave me a prescription for more Ativan, and sent me home.

Poor Ross. New baby, drug-induced sleeping wife, and a prescription to fill at Wal-Greens. I don't remember this part, but Ross tells me we sat in the drive through at Wal-Greens for what seemed like an hour waiting for this prescription to be filled.

I don't really remember the next 24 hours, Elyse's newborn baby pictures and all, but I do remember knowing that I needed more help. After a doctor appointment with an OB (mine was on vacation), another visit to the ER, and an overnight stay on the psychiatric floor, I finally had a psychiatrist prescribing and monitoring my medication. Thank God!

It took a good 6 weeks to get out of this funk, but I made it. Anxiety has never left me and any stressful situation can lead to a panic attack, but I'm getting better at coping. Most days. :) In all honesty, I have been doing really well. The only other time it got really bad was when we moved from Mankato to Belle Plaine, but that was stress-induced, related to change of home and work, and I think was sort of expected, but came as unexpected to me.

So, here we are today. Again, feeling like the anxiety, and depression, are trying to smother me. Why do I feel better typing "fear" and "sadness" instead of A and D? They seem to have such negative stigmas attached, unfortunately.

I guess I came to the realization today that if I want to overcome this, I need to be open and honest. I need people to know that this is real. Yes, I try to "get up and get going, get outside, eat healthy, pretend it isn't there, etc. etc," but it is there. If I had the flu, I'd struggle to do my routine as well. I'd probably try, but it would be difficult and some days I wouldn't feel like putting in the effort. It is easier for me to be honest about not being okay, than it is for me to pretend that I am okay. I need to be honest with myself.

I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I will take meds while I am pregnant because I need to. Period. End of discussion. You can ask anyone who has dealt with a mental health issue, and I'm sure they will tell you that you will never understand unless you have been there. I will say the exact same thing.

This blog is going to be open and honest. It is not a place for judgement. It is a place where I can find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for me, and hopefully I can help someone else who is feeling the same way, because there are millions of women who are battling a perinatal mood disorder just like mine who feel alone, scared, and judged for the things that their brain is doing right now.

I am strong because I am willing to share. It only took me a little over 3 years to get here! I struggle eating, sleeping, keeping up with Elyse, making meals, and keeping the house clean right now. It has been a little over a month of feeling like this and so just like there are stages of grief, I think there are stages of this too! The good news is, I can continue my daily routine (when I really want to push myself) because you can do that with anxiety. Even though your body feels totally uncomfortable (skin crawling, heart racing, dizziness, stomach ache, tense muscles, dry mouth, fatigue) none of symptoms stop you from continuing to function. The mind is what slows me down. Some days are better than others and this is a journey that I like to call a beautiful mess. I will learn something from this, God trusts me with this responsibility, and I will make it a better place by being open about mental health.