Through the Ups and Downs

Last weekend started out rough when I found out that a teacher friend from Waseca had lost his 28 year old son to a tragic work related accident. When you're not too far from 28 yourself and you think about life suddenly ending, it kind of throws you off a little bit. Being the deep thinker and introvert that I am, I stewed about it for the rest of the weekend, asking lots of questions inside of my head. "How does his family go on? What does his wife of only a few years do now? How can she go back to her home, or their home, alone? Why did God take him so soon? Why is this fair? Why do parents have to bury their children? What is the purpose in this much hurt? Did death hurt? Was he scared? Is he in Heaven now? What is Heaven like? How will his family survive the holidays? How can they even sleep or eat? What if this ever happened to me?"
So after spinning a wild storm in my mind all weekend long, I was pretty anxiety-ridden by Sunday afternoon. And poor Ross always gets the brunt of it. He's always supportive and knows I just need extra tender loving care. He trusts in me more than I trust in myself most of the time. He knows my strength and that in a few hours or days, I will feel better.
The problem is not in asking these questions about life, the problem begins when you don't ask them out loud and you become frustrated with yourself for feeling real emotions related to the situation. The emotions begin to bottle up inside and soon you are mad at everyone and everything in your path. You continue to ruminate on these thoughts until you feel physically ill. And for me, sometimes it is much easier to overcome the anxiety than other times. Sometimes it takes a few minutes and other times, it takes a lot longer. But I do know it has always gone away. Every time...it goes away. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.
I know the answers to some of the questions that circled in my mind. I know this family will go on, one step, one breath at a time. I know that God has a plan for all of us. I know we just need to trust and one day everything will make perfect sense. I happened across another blog entry this week that told about how a woman would frequently wake with anxiety, so she started to breath in deeply while focusing on the word trust, and as she exhaled deeply, she would think about the word fear. Within a short amount of time, she would begin to feel full of trust and without fear. She had let it go. That is basically what it comes down to. We have to let go of the fear. We have to have trust. It's just that simple...Ha! Not so simple, but really it is if we can train our body and mind to do it that way. I've been practicing it a lot this week and it does make me feel better.
And so I felt much better within a short amount of time, and I am so thankful that I went to the funeral. It was a celebration of life. There were sad tears. Of course, the family wished they didn't have to do this. Not now. Not yet. But there was no other choice. The trust that they showed through the scriptures, songs, and stories helped me to heal too. It helped to answer a lot of my fears. I now know that they will be okay. They will be sad and that is okay. They will be happy and that is okay. It will be a lot of trusting and letting go of fear. It will be trusting in Something greater than life on Earth.
As I drove home from the funeral, with the blessing of a baby boy in my belly, I started to feel anxiety creep in again. What if this ever happened to my little boy? What would I do? How would I go on? Was I making the right choice in having another child?
And the answer is yes, of course. I know that whatever happens, regardless of the pain, tears, joy, laughter, as a parent, I'd do it all over again. I know this family from Waseca would too. They had an amazing 28 years with their son, and even if they had known in advance that this would be the end of his life on Earth, they would have done it all over again. Through the Ups and Downs.

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said
I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...
Group 1 Crew "He Said"