Almost One Month Later...

Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has just been crazy lately. Elyse started a new daycare plus preschool 2 days a week, Ross has started coaching basketball again, and I'm finishing up another 4-week session of yoga...plus growing a baby, teaching all day, making meals, keeping a clean house, trying to get ready for Christmas, and all the little things that come up each day. Some days I am glad I don't know all that one day will require because I might stay under the covers if I knew in advance. But it is all good and so much to be thankful for.
I am now 31 weeks pregnant and only 9 weeks to go! Seems like just yesterday I was slightly caught off guard by a positive pregnancy test, but knew something was going on because my body was going crazy! Can't believe we are only 9 weeks away from meeting the little guy who rocked my world for the first three months of this pregnancy, but again as a blessing, because I've learned so much since then about life, health, and more of who I am.
Elyse gets more excited every day and loves giving her baby brother lots of hugs and kisses. She loves to tell people, "Look how big my Mama's tummy is getting!" I beam with pride at what she has become. She is genuinely sweet, caring, excitable, stubborn, eager, smart, and so true to who she is. I hope she never loses that.
After we got home from daycare today, I watched her run around and play in the snow for a few minutes. She reminds me each day that I need to let go, enjoy the little things, and take nothing too seriously. She wasn't dressed for playing in the snow besides having a winter coat on, but she didn't think twice about laying down in the snow to make a beautiful snow angel. Of course, my brain wanted to shout out, "You're going to get your pants all wet!" but I didn't because she's taught me over and over to let those little things go.  She didn't care about wet pants. There are many more where those come from. Too many times, as adults, we get caught up in the little details but don't stop to see the big picture. She's made me a better person and I will be forever thankful for that. She makes life so good.
This is not to say that I don't still struggle with on and off anxiety and figuring out more about this purpose driven life. Like always, I am constantly doing lots of thinking. Too much for my own good some days (and nights). I'm still trying to figure out this wheat and sugar sensitivity. I wish I had a number, like a blood test, to provide concrete information that could help me wrap my mind around this. I know it is real. I just wish I could do a quick test when I'm feeling crappy that would confirm the fact that I did eat something with too much sugar or too much wheat and that is why I'm feeling this way. Instead, I feel like it is a guessing game. Was it something I ate? Am I just crazy? Why me? Do I really have to eat like this for the rest of my life? But I know deep down that it really does affect my mood, and even eating things that don't have wheat and sugar, like potato chips, make me feel not so good either. Of course, why would they...have you read the ingredients list? If you can't pronounce the majority of the words, it probably isn't a good thing.
With the upcoming holiday season, I already feel the pressure of holiday treats and meals. It's tough. I feel like having a pity party more often than not. I struggle saying, "No thanks!" when someone has worked hard at cooking/baking something delicious. I struggle when I'm being asked for the fifth time, "Are you sure you don't want some?" And it usually gets awkward then because, at that point, I usually respond with, "I would love to have some, but I don't eat sugar and/or wheat." And then you get the sad faces, the shocked faces, the 20 questions, and I don't mind explaining but not in front of the whole family while crickets chirp as I talk about it as part of my plan to treat anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. But anyhow, Merry Christmas to you too! Thanks for asking. Uggh!! But at the same time, I don't want people to plan meals around me, make special arrangements, etc....so what do you want, Laura?
I don't know. To be normal. For everyone to just know so I don't have to explain again and again. I don't want to be asked how this is going to affect my baby. I don't want to be told that it might not be a good diet because I'm missing out on important nutrients. Well, I'm also missing out on panic attacks too so I guess it is a little give and take. And it isn't a diet. I've been on many diets in my life and this doesn't even compare. On a diet, you can cheat and just make up for it at the next meal. Have a bad week of eating and then start up again. But when it affects your mood, happiness, and mental health, it isn't a diet. It has to become a way of life. When will it feel like that for me? It's hard. Extremely hard. And many days I don't know how I do it, except for the fact that I am that afraid of extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I will do whatever I need to do. I can't risk that because it takes away from my ability to be a good mommy. I do it for me, and I do it for my family.
I'll just keep singing the song, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone....I can see all obstacles in my way...." I want that to be true. I want the rain to clear. It has been clear before, and it will be clear again. This is just part of my path and I will take it.
I promise a baby bump picture at the next post and hopefully it will be in a week instead of a month. If you have to wait a month for that picture, it means I'll be close to my last month of pregnancy!