Getting close!

We are getting close! 37 and a half weeks! Hard to believe when I think back to the beginning of this pregnancy. Ross had spent several days in the hospital due to his appendix removal and then a second surgery for removal of scar tissue related to the first surgery. I was beyond stressed with worrying about his health and the end of the school year. It was more than just that though. It was intense anxiety and panic attacks. It was not sleeping at night. It was being unable to eat because my stomach was so full of nerves. It was walking through my days in a state of tension that left me feeling like my goal was to just put one foot in front of the other, put on a happy face, and try not to curl up in a ball and cry. My brain was incredibly fogged, I was distant, and I felt like my body was beating me up from the inside out.
My days didn't get much better until mid-August. I went through the motions, I fought the good fight, I did my best to fulfill the roles that others expected of me. I had my good days but I had my really, really rotten days too. I learned to just deal with what I was feeling inside and keep moving forward. I didn't have any other choice, so on I went.
In that time, I met Dr. Troy who has helped me to realize that the anxiety and panic attacks I was experiencing were just symptoms of something else going on in my body. Anxiety and panic was not something I needed to live with, and if I could be strong, trust his advice, and commit to giving up wheat and sugar along with committing to his treatment plan, I would feel much better in time. And guess what, I do! I'm still working on being a better me. I'm still perfecting the art of being gluten-free and sugar-free. I do sneak a little sugar here and there now, but gluten and I have found to not get along at all anymore.
So here we are waiting for Baby Boy Micah! I can't say that I'm not scared. I am. I've done this labor and delivery thing once before. It went just fine. It was the days and weeks afterwards that still haunt me. I'd love to trust Dr. Troy when he tells me that it can be totally different this time. I want to believe in the worst way that when Micah is born I will feel totally capable of being a good mother, handling the stress of a newborn, and deal with no anxiety and/or panic attacks. Like I've said in previous posts, I can handle worrying. I have no problem with worrying and I can read quotes, practice yoga, recite Bible verses, listen to music, and talk myself out of worrying. It's the anxiety that I do not want. They are two totally different things and I hope and pray that this time is different.
I am going to assume that all will be well. The past does not determine the future! But, just in case, I am better prepared this time. I will know what is going on at least, I will know I can ask for help without being ashamed, I will know that it will come and it will go. It has always went away. And if it comes again, it will go away again. I can do this!
I know it won't be easy. I know my hormones will be all over the place. I know my house won't be spotless. We won't have three balanced meals each day. There will be dirty dishes. We will stay in our pajamas many days, all day. The list goes on and on. But those are all minor things in the grand scheme of life.
So, as of last Wednesday, I am dilated to a 2 and 60% effaced. No contractions yet. Just feeling large and tired by the end of the day. All normal things! Sleeping has been rough, but Dr. Troy adjusted me this week and that gave me one good night of sleep so far and hoping for another tonight too! We are also scheduled to see Dr. Troy within a week of birth to do adjustments on Micah and me to get us both aligned after delivery. Hoping that will help spin things in the right direction too!
And then I look at the picture at the top of the page, and I see that beautiful, smart, sassy, little girl who will always be my baby, and I think, "It is all worth it!"Regardless of the ups and downs that come with Micah, it will all be worth it too!