Back and No Baby...Yet!

Well, Micah is proving to be strong-willed and one that likes to test his mommy's patience. We are officially 40 weeks plus 1 day. I know that's not a lot, but since we were dilated to 3 cm over 3 weeks ago, I guess I had my mind set on a little boy that would arrive early, not late.
I finished teaching on Tuesday and have been taking it easy at home trying to rest up before baby boy arrives. My emotions are all over the place and I already feel anxiety creeping in. With each passing day, my worries seem to grow. I'm fearing that postpartum will smack me in the face again. I really don't want to be in that dark place again, especially since this time I not only have a baby to care for, but Elyse will be very aware of everything going on. I want to be a calm mama who enjoys this newborn and can spend my days cuddling with both of my babies with a smile on my face. Why do I expect perfection? I hate the picture perfect images that my mind creates leaving me feeling guilt when I have any feelings other than happy. I try to remind myself that all moms feel exhausted, guilt, sadness, happiness, joy, uncertainty, etc. All of those emotions are totally normal. The problem comes when I dwell on them and fear them. I fear that that sadness will take over, that it will never go away, that it will manifest into something horrible and scary that I won't be able to control and will take away my ability to take care of my babies. It's exhausting being in my mind. I know that if I just let go, give up all expectations of what should be, and live in the moment all of these fears would go away. I need to stop doubting my ability to be a good mom.
I need to stop living in fear of my emotions. I fear that crying means I'm headed in a downward spiral. I fear that being tired will result in a panic attack. I fear that being overly happy will only lead to disappointment when it goes away. This is all about being able to live in the moment. Each moment needs to be its own. The past is the past and can't be changed. The future is unknown for each and everyone of us. Mine is just as unpredictable as the person next door. I need to know that each experience for each person is totally different and so comparing, wishing, hoping, and expecting for something particular isn't helpful. I need to let my story play out. I need to be comfortable with me and whatever I am feeling. Accept the emotions as they come and let them pass without judgement.
I was able to get in to see Dr. Troy yesterday which was wonderful, as always. He makes me feel so normal and eases my mind. We talked a lot about letting the body do what is most natural during childbirth which led me to cancel my induction for Friday. Dr. Troy felt like the baby would probably be here within the next 3 days and that waiting until my body is ready will be much better than inducing labor. So, I set up my next baby doctor appointment for 41 weeks! There will be a lot of sleepless nights between now and then if Micah decides to wait that long. Pray for a baby soon!

Last Blog Before the Baby...I Hope!

We are at 39 weeks and 3 days! We are ready and trying to wait patiently for Micah to decide that he is ready to join us. I'm hoping he decides to come on his own and that we don't have to induce, but we do have an induction date set for February 8th in case we need it. Don't want him getting too big in there either! I've been feeling pretty good for being 39 weeks pregnant and anxiety-free. THANK GOD! Hoping the next update is a picture of our little bundle of joy!

Getting close!

We are getting close! 37 and a half weeks! Hard to believe when I think back to the beginning of this pregnancy. Ross had spent several days in the hospital due to his appendix removal and then a second surgery for removal of scar tissue related to the first surgery. I was beyond stressed with worrying about his health and the end of the school year. It was more than just that though. It was intense anxiety and panic attacks. It was not sleeping at night. It was being unable to eat because my stomach was so full of nerves. It was walking through my days in a state of tension that left me feeling like my goal was to just put one foot in front of the other, put on a happy face, and try not to curl up in a ball and cry. My brain was incredibly fogged, I was distant, and I felt like my body was beating me up from the inside out.
My days didn't get much better until mid-August. I went through the motions, I fought the good fight, I did my best to fulfill the roles that others expected of me. I had my good days but I had my really, really rotten days too. I learned to just deal with what I was feeling inside and keep moving forward. I didn't have any other choice, so on I went.
In that time, I met Dr. Troy who has helped me to realize that the anxiety and panic attacks I was experiencing were just symptoms of something else going on in my body. Anxiety and panic was not something I needed to live with, and if I could be strong, trust his advice, and commit to giving up wheat and sugar along with committing to his treatment plan, I would feel much better in time. And guess what, I do! I'm still working on being a better me. I'm still perfecting the art of being gluten-free and sugar-free. I do sneak a little sugar here and there now, but gluten and I have found to not get along at all anymore.
So here we are waiting for Baby Boy Micah! I can't say that I'm not scared. I am. I've done this labor and delivery thing once before. It went just fine. It was the days and weeks afterwards that still haunt me. I'd love to trust Dr. Troy when he tells me that it can be totally different this time. I want to believe in the worst way that when Micah is born I will feel totally capable of being a good mother, handling the stress of a newborn, and deal with no anxiety and/or panic attacks. Like I've said in previous posts, I can handle worrying. I have no problem with worrying and I can read quotes, practice yoga, recite Bible verses, listen to music, and talk myself out of worrying. It's the anxiety that I do not want. They are two totally different things and I hope and pray that this time is different.
I am going to assume that all will be well. The past does not determine the future! But, just in case, I am better prepared this time. I will know what is going on at least, I will know I can ask for help without being ashamed, I will know that it will come and it will go. It has always went away. And if it comes again, it will go away again. I can do this!
I know it won't be easy. I know my hormones will be all over the place. I know my house won't be spotless. We won't have three balanced meals each day. There will be dirty dishes. We will stay in our pajamas many days, all day. The list goes on and on. But those are all minor things in the grand scheme of life.
So, as of last Wednesday, I am dilated to a 2 and 60% effaced. No contractions yet. Just feeling large and tired by the end of the day. All normal things! Sleeping has been rough, but Dr. Troy adjusted me this week and that gave me one good night of sleep so far and hoping for another tonight too! We are also scheduled to see Dr. Troy within a week of birth to do adjustments on Micah and me to get us both aligned after delivery. Hoping that will help spin things in the right direction too!
And then I look at the picture at the top of the page, and I see that beautiful, smart, sassy, little girl who will always be my baby, and I think, "It is all worth it!"Regardless of the ups and downs that come with Micah, it will all be worth it too!

32 weeks

Elyse is over the moon for her baby brother. She kisses him when she wakes up in the morning, before I leave her at daycare, when being picked up from daycare, before bedtime, and several times in between. She is just so sincere and seems to really understand that there is a real live baby growing in there. She also has much more patience than I ever expected she would just waiting until February for him to come. She does keep asking if today is February, but she hasn't given up hope.
He is a mover and seems to be taking up the entire space that he is being allowed. Some times I grab at my ribs as he's kicking those and end up squeezing my bladder at the same time hoping not to pee my pants as he pushes down there too. He's really good at stretching out I guess! We go in on Wednesday to check on measurements and all that good stuff.
We are very excited for Christmas. It's hard not to be when you see the twinkle and excitement in Elyse's eyes! We love spending time with family, having time off from school, and this year, getting ready for Micah! I hope to have his room finished, a trip to Target for necessary baby supplies, infant car seat ready, and a hospital bag packed before the end of our break.
We've been doing lots of extra praying lately for Ross' grandpa, Grandpa Bob. He's been in the ICU for over two weeks with what started as a bad case of pneumonia. He's nearing the end and so we've been praying for a peaceful departure from his Earthly body. We have lots of wonderful memories of Grandpa Bob and Elyse has always enjoyed his sense of humor. She enjoys playing hide-n-seek with his cane and when he fills her piggy bank with unique coins. Ross has been able to spend a lot of time with him in the last two weeks, and Elyse and I have also been able to visit him, squeeze his hand, and whisper in his ear. It's a learning experience for all of us.
And to all of those who lost their babies, families members, and friends this past week in the CT school shooting, we are so sorry and sad. We pray that God carries you through this time because really, I can't imagine getting through it any other way. I hope that in this tragedy we can all learn a little more about being the change we wish to see in the world.

Almost One Month Later...

Sorry for the lack of posts. Life has just been crazy lately. Elyse started a new daycare plus preschool 2 days a week, Ross has started coaching basketball again, and I'm finishing up another 4-week session of yoga...plus growing a baby, teaching all day, making meals, keeping a clean house, trying to get ready for Christmas, and all the little things that come up each day. Some days I am glad I don't know all that one day will require because I might stay under the covers if I knew in advance. But it is all good and so much to be thankful for.
I am now 31 weeks pregnant and only 9 weeks to go! Seems like just yesterday I was slightly caught off guard by a positive pregnancy test, but knew something was going on because my body was going crazy! Can't believe we are only 9 weeks away from meeting the little guy who rocked my world for the first three months of this pregnancy, but again as a blessing, because I've learned so much since then about life, health, and more of who I am.
Elyse gets more excited every day and loves giving her baby brother lots of hugs and kisses. She loves to tell people, "Look how big my Mama's tummy is getting!" I beam with pride at what she has become. She is genuinely sweet, caring, excitable, stubborn, eager, smart, and so true to who she is. I hope she never loses that.
After we got home from daycare today, I watched her run around and play in the snow for a few minutes. She reminds me each day that I need to let go, enjoy the little things, and take nothing too seriously. She wasn't dressed for playing in the snow besides having a winter coat on, but she didn't think twice about laying down in the snow to make a beautiful snow angel. Of course, my brain wanted to shout out, "You're going to get your pants all wet!" but I didn't because she's taught me over and over to let those little things go.  She didn't care about wet pants. There are many more where those come from. Too many times, as adults, we get caught up in the little details but don't stop to see the big picture. She's made me a better person and I will be forever thankful for that. She makes life so good.
This is not to say that I don't still struggle with on and off anxiety and figuring out more about this purpose driven life. Like always, I am constantly doing lots of thinking. Too much for my own good some days (and nights). I'm still trying to figure out this wheat and sugar sensitivity. I wish I had a number, like a blood test, to provide concrete information that could help me wrap my mind around this. I know it is real. I just wish I could do a quick test when I'm feeling crappy that would confirm the fact that I did eat something with too much sugar or too much wheat and that is why I'm feeling this way. Instead, I feel like it is a guessing game. Was it something I ate? Am I just crazy? Why me? Do I really have to eat like this for the rest of my life? But I know deep down that it really does affect my mood, and even eating things that don't have wheat and sugar, like potato chips, make me feel not so good either. Of course, why would they...have you read the ingredients list? If you can't pronounce the majority of the words, it probably isn't a good thing.
With the upcoming holiday season, I already feel the pressure of holiday treats and meals. It's tough. I feel like having a pity party more often than not. I struggle saying, "No thanks!" when someone has worked hard at cooking/baking something delicious. I struggle when I'm being asked for the fifth time, "Are you sure you don't want some?" And it usually gets awkward then because, at that point, I usually respond with, "I would love to have some, but I don't eat sugar and/or wheat." And then you get the sad faces, the shocked faces, the 20 questions, and I don't mind explaining but not in front of the whole family while crickets chirp as I talk about it as part of my plan to treat anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. But anyhow, Merry Christmas to you too! Thanks for asking. Uggh!! But at the same time, I don't want people to plan meals around me, make special arrangements, etc....so what do you want, Laura?
I don't know. To be normal. For everyone to just know so I don't have to explain again and again. I don't want to be asked how this is going to affect my baby. I don't want to be told that it might not be a good diet because I'm missing out on important nutrients. Well, I'm also missing out on panic attacks too so I guess it is a little give and take. And it isn't a diet. I've been on many diets in my life and this doesn't even compare. On a diet, you can cheat and just make up for it at the next meal. Have a bad week of eating and then start up again. But when it affects your mood, happiness, and mental health, it isn't a diet. It has to become a way of life. When will it feel like that for me? It's hard. Extremely hard. And many days I don't know how I do it, except for the fact that I am that afraid of extreme anxiety and panic attacks that I will do whatever I need to do. I can't risk that because it takes away from my ability to be a good mommy. I do it for me, and I do it for my family.
I'll just keep singing the song, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone....I can see all obstacles in my way...." I want that to be true. I want the rain to clear. It has been clear before, and it will be clear again. This is just part of my path and I will take it.
I promise a baby bump picture at the next post and hopefully it will be in a week instead of a month. If you have to wait a month for that picture, it means I'll be close to my last month of pregnancy!

Blessings in Disguise

I still get caught up in asking the anxiety questions even if the anxiety isn't here, "Why anxiety? Why me? Will it ever really go away forever? When will it be back? What is the real cause? What do I need to do differently?" I know that I give it too much power some days, and that is only out of fear. I need to let go and trust, but this week I got an answer that I really needed.
As I was waiting for my yoga kids to arrive on Monday night, I walked back to the massage area of the chiropractic building that I teach my classes in. In the waiting room, they had a pile of inspiration/destiny cards. I was first made aware of this type of card at my yoga training out in Colorado. Every day we would pull a new card and read the message letting it "speak to us" as we practiced during the day. Some days the cards held more meaning than other days, but they always provided a time for me to stop and reflect on what the true meaning of each card was and what life message it was giving to me.
So anyhow, on Monday night, I spotted a pile of cards similar to this. There was one card laying face up on the deck of cards, as the rest of the cards were laying face down. This is what it said:

Blessing in Disguise

What appears to be a problem is actually part of your answered prayer. You'll understand the reasons behind your present situation as everything resolves. Trust in heaven's protection and infinite wisdom to answer your prayers in the best way. 

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Of course, I went home with a little extra skip in my step and was so excited to share it with Ross. I couldn't remember the exact wording of the card, but I was able to tell him the gist of the card. He agreed it was a good message for me to remember. 

This all gets even better when I go back on Tuesday night to teach another yoga class. I had a free minute so I decided to go a pull another card from the pile. This time all of the cards were neatly in the pile, face down. So I quickly pulled a card from the bottom half of the pile, and my jaw dropped! It was the exact same card that had been laying face up waiting for me to read it the night before. 

I see it as no coincidence. I see it as a strong message that I really need to hear, listen to, read, and reflect on frequently. This is when I decided to copy down the message word for word. Since writing the message down on a post-it note last night, I have reread the message a handful of times. Each time I feel a sense of letting go of fear and trusting that everything will be fine. Everything will work out just as it needs to be. People, places, and situations are all on my life path for very specific reasons. Even though some of the people, places, and situations seem unfair, difficult, or hard to understand, I need to trust in them just as much as I trust in the good that comes my way. It is all part of my answered prayer and a blessing in disguise. And as yoga has taught me, you just need to breath through it.  

27 weeks

Baby Boy is growing, growing, growing. We saw the dr. this week and everything looks good. No results from the glucose test yet, but we'll assume all is good. At our last appointment, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule, and this time only 1.5 weeks ahead of schedule! All good news. By the end of the day my ribs, back, and legs hurt, but after a night of rest I'm ready to go the next day. No  real strange cravings yet either, but I am still liking milk, and bananas with peanut butter is a pretty popular snack at least once a day. If anyone is near a Trader Joe's, pick me up some of their creamy peanut butter. It is the best!
Can't believe that Thanksgiving will be here already in less than 2 weeks and then Christmas is always right around the corner. By Christmas I should have a nice round Santa belly! All I want for Christmas is Baby Boy's room to be painted and complete and Elyse's room to be given a "big sister" makeover as well! We have Baby Boy's bedding here and ready, and Elyse picked out a set that she liked at Target too! Lots of fun changes going on!