Well, Micah is proving to be strong-willed and one that likes to test his mommy's patience. We are officially 40 weeks plus 1 day. I know that's not a lot, but since we were dilated to 3 cm over 3 weeks ago, I guess I had my mind set on a little boy that would arrive early, not late.
I finished teaching on Tuesday and have been taking it easy at home trying to rest up before baby boy arrives. My emotions are all over the place and I already feel anxiety creeping in. With each passing day, my worries seem to grow. I'm fearing that postpartum will smack me in the face again. I really don't want to be in that dark place again, especially since this time I not only have a baby to care for, but Elyse will be very aware of everything going on. I want to be a calm mama who enjoys this newborn and can spend my days cuddling with both of my babies with a smile on my face. Why do I expect perfection? I hate the picture perfect images that my mind creates leaving me feeling guilt when I have any feelings other than happy. I try to remind myself that all moms feel exhausted, guilt, sadness, happiness, joy, uncertainty, etc. All of those emotions are totally normal. The problem comes when I dwell on them and fear them. I fear that that sadness will take over, that it will never go away, that it will manifest into something horrible and scary that I won't be able to control and will take away my ability to take care of my babies. It's exhausting being in my mind. I know that if I just let go, give up all expectations of what should be, and live in the moment all of these fears would go away. I need to stop doubting my ability to be a good mom.
I need to stop living in fear of my emotions. I fear that crying means I'm headed in a downward spiral. I fear that being tired will result in a panic attack. I fear that being overly happy will only lead to disappointment when it goes away. This is all about being able to live in the moment. Each moment needs to be its own. The past is the past and can't be changed. The future is unknown for each and everyone of us. Mine is just as unpredictable as the person next door. I need to know that each experience for each person is totally different and so comparing, wishing, hoping, and expecting for something particular isn't helpful. I need to let my story play out. I need to be comfortable with me and whatever I am feeling. Accept the emotions as they come and let them pass without judgement.
I was able to get in to see Dr. Troy yesterday which was wonderful, as always. He makes me feel so normal and eases my mind. We talked a lot about letting the body do what is most natural during childbirth which led me to cancel my induction for Friday. Dr. Troy felt like the baby would probably be here within the next 3 days and that waiting until my body is ready will be much better than inducing labor. So, I set up my next baby doctor appointment for 41 weeks! There will be a lot of sleepless nights between now and then if Micah decides to wait that long. Pray for a baby soon!
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