Wednesday, February 13, 2013

41 Weeks!

That's me! With a 41 week baby bump! I never ever thought this little boy would still be snuggled up inside. Just one more simple reminder that life is about letting go, trusting, and taking it one day at a time. Hitting 40 weeks with no baby yet was difficult mentally. As a planner and goal-oriented person, going past my due date really wasn't anything that I had even thought about.
But here we are a whole week past that with each day just coming and going. Evenings are a bit rough when my mind starts to chatter and I feel like he might never come out, but a lot of that has to do with the aches and pains my body is feeling at that point in the day. I wake in the morning, after a decent night of rest, and get on with my day. Elyse and I have enjoyed our cuddle time, figured out how to "just be" when we are home, and are enjoying our life without a schedule.
Learning how to "just be" and go with the flow of the day is incredibly difficult for me. I crave a schedule otherwise I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe God gave me this week to do just that...learn to enjoy the simplicity of life where every waking minute is not planned. It is enjoyable once I get over the hump of learning how to do it. I'm almost there!
I do believe that my job as a teacher has created a bit of the anxiety that I feel when I don't have a schedule to keep. All day long, from 8:20-3:10 my minutes are scheduled. My body and brain are in a constant state of go, go, go (fight or flight even). I am multi-tasking for myself and the 18 kids in my classroom who all have their own unique needs, always planning for the minute, day, and week ahead. Unfortunately, there really isn't a lot of "living in the moment" because if I did that, I'd always be behind. It's just not a job where I can do that, and I suppose most jobs are the same way. But people, let me tell you, there are days where I go pee at 6:45 am and do not go pee again until 4:00 pm. That is no lie and that's how intensely my body and brain are working all day. I really don't even have time to think about it...so that also tells you how little water I'm drinking too. It's like being a mother to 18 kids all day long, and I do love being their mother, but I'm just explaining how I feel that it has driven me to be the anxious, constantly needing input, exhausted, can't let go, living for tomorrow and next week, person that I am. It's like going through detox or withdrawls when I don't have that rigid schedule. Which is difficult because it seems to ruin a bit of each holiday, weekend, and summer learning how to just shut off the mind and be content with just being in the stillness of the day.
I love this blog because I am able to really reflect on my life. It gives me a safe place to process my thoughts and put them down so that I can come back to them anytime I want. Will this maternity leave motivate a career change? I'm not sure, but it is always a possibility. I'm letting go, trusting, and listening to what God has to say.
So with that, I make no promises about my next post, but I sure hope it involves a cute picture of Mr. Micah!

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