Blessings in Disguise

I still get caught up in asking the anxiety questions even if the anxiety isn't here, "Why anxiety? Why me? Will it ever really go away forever? When will it be back? What is the real cause? What do I need to do differently?" I know that I give it too much power some days, and that is only out of fear. I need to let go and trust, but this week I got an answer that I really needed.
As I was waiting for my yoga kids to arrive on Monday night, I walked back to the massage area of the chiropractic building that I teach my classes in. In the waiting room, they had a pile of inspiration/destiny cards. I was first made aware of this type of card at my yoga training out in Colorado. Every day we would pull a new card and read the message letting it "speak to us" as we practiced during the day. Some days the cards held more meaning than other days, but they always provided a time for me to stop and reflect on what the true meaning of each card was and what life message it was giving to me.
So anyhow, on Monday night, I spotted a pile of cards similar to this. There was one card laying face up on the deck of cards, as the rest of the cards were laying face down. This is what it said:

Blessing in Disguise

What appears to be a problem is actually part of your answered prayer. You'll understand the reasons behind your present situation as everything resolves. Trust in heaven's protection and infinite wisdom to answer your prayers in the best way. 

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Of course, I went home with a little extra skip in my step and was so excited to share it with Ross. I couldn't remember the exact wording of the card, but I was able to tell him the gist of the card. He agreed it was a good message for me to remember. 

This all gets even better when I go back on Tuesday night to teach another yoga class. I had a free minute so I decided to go a pull another card from the pile. This time all of the cards were neatly in the pile, face down. So I quickly pulled a card from the bottom half of the pile, and my jaw dropped! It was the exact same card that had been laying face up waiting for me to read it the night before. 

I see it as no coincidence. I see it as a strong message that I really need to hear, listen to, read, and reflect on frequently. This is when I decided to copy down the message word for word. Since writing the message down on a post-it note last night, I have reread the message a handful of times. Each time I feel a sense of letting go of fear and trusting that everything will be fine. Everything will work out just as it needs to be. People, places, and situations are all on my life path for very specific reasons. Even though some of the people, places, and situations seem unfair, difficult, or hard to understand, I need to trust in them just as much as I trust in the good that comes my way. It is all part of my answered prayer and a blessing in disguise. And as yoga has taught me, you just need to breath through it.  

27 weeks

Baby Boy is growing, growing, growing. We saw the dr. this week and everything looks good. No results from the glucose test yet, but we'll assume all is good. At our last appointment, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule, and this time only 1.5 weeks ahead of schedule! All good news. By the end of the day my ribs, back, and legs hurt, but after a night of rest I'm ready to go the next day. No  real strange cravings yet either, but I am still liking milk, and bananas with peanut butter is a pretty popular snack at least once a day. If anyone is near a Trader Joe's, pick me up some of their creamy peanut butter. It is the best!
Can't believe that Thanksgiving will be here already in less than 2 weeks and then Christmas is always right around the corner. By Christmas I should have a nice round Santa belly! All I want for Christmas is Baby Boy's room to be painted and complete and Elyse's room to be given a "big sister" makeover as well! We have Baby Boy's bedding here and ready, and Elyse picked out a set that she liked at Target too! Lots of fun changes going on!

Through the Ups and Downs

Last weekend started out rough when I found out that a teacher friend from Waseca had lost his 28 year old son to a tragic work related accident. When you're not too far from 28 yourself and you think about life suddenly ending, it kind of throws you off a little bit. Being the deep thinker and introvert that I am, I stewed about it for the rest of the weekend, asking lots of questions inside of my head. "How does his family go on? What does his wife of only a few years do now? How can she go back to her home, or their home, alone? Why did God take him so soon? Why is this fair? Why do parents have to bury their children? What is the purpose in this much hurt? Did death hurt? Was he scared? Is he in Heaven now? What is Heaven like? How will his family survive the holidays? How can they even sleep or eat? What if this ever happened to me?"
So after spinning a wild storm in my mind all weekend long, I was pretty anxiety-ridden by Sunday afternoon. And poor Ross always gets the brunt of it. He's always supportive and knows I just need extra tender loving care. He trusts in me more than I trust in myself most of the time. He knows my strength and that in a few hours or days, I will feel better.
The problem is not in asking these questions about life, the problem begins when you don't ask them out loud and you become frustrated with yourself for feeling real emotions related to the situation. The emotions begin to bottle up inside and soon you are mad at everyone and everything in your path. You continue to ruminate on these thoughts until you feel physically ill. And for me, sometimes it is much easier to overcome the anxiety than other times. Sometimes it takes a few minutes and other times, it takes a lot longer. But I do know it has always gone away. Every time...it goes away. One foot in front of the other, one breath at a time.
I know the answers to some of the questions that circled in my mind. I know this family will go on, one step, one breath at a time. I know that God has a plan for all of us. I know we just need to trust and one day everything will make perfect sense. I happened across another blog entry this week that told about how a woman would frequently wake with anxiety, so she started to breath in deeply while focusing on the word trust, and as she exhaled deeply, she would think about the word fear. Within a short amount of time, she would begin to feel full of trust and without fear. She had let it go. That is basically what it comes down to. We have to let go of the fear. We have to have trust. It's just that simple...Ha! Not so simple, but really it is if we can train our body and mind to do it that way. I've been practicing it a lot this week and it does make me feel better.
And so I felt much better within a short amount of time, and I am so thankful that I went to the funeral. It was a celebration of life. There were sad tears. Of course, the family wished they didn't have to do this. Not now. Not yet. But there was no other choice. The trust that they showed through the scriptures, songs, and stories helped me to heal too. It helped to answer a lot of my fears. I now know that they will be okay. They will be sad and that is okay. They will be happy and that is okay. It will be a lot of trusting and letting go of fear. It will be trusting in Something greater than life on Earth.
As I drove home from the funeral, with the blessing of a baby boy in my belly, I started to feel anxiety creep in again. What if this ever happened to my little boy? What would I do? How would I go on? Was I making the right choice in having another child?
And the answer is yes, of course. I know that whatever happens, regardless of the pain, tears, joy, laughter, as a parent, I'd do it all over again. I know this family from Waseca would too. They had an amazing 28 years with their son, and even if they had known in advance that this would be the end of his life on Earth, they would have done it all over again. Through the Ups and Downs.

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said
I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break...
Group 1 Crew "He Said"

24 Weeks and A Gold Star

We visited Dr. Troy today after being away for 2 months and he gave me a gold star; even said, "You made my day!" My body is staying in balance and I'm being diligent about keeping it that way. Your body has a message to tell you so be sure you're listening! He's hopeful (and so am I) that another visit in January, and one right before delivery, will keep me smooth sailing through delivery and lessen my chances of another bout of postpartum depression/anxiety. I'm so thankful that Dr. Troy has been on my life path! He's an amazing doctor!
Baby Boy is doing well! Growing and moving lots! We go back to the baby doctor tomorrow so will get a 24 week update then. I'm starting to think about how we will arrange our bedrooms (Elyse's toy room) to make room for our new bundle of joy.
I've been craving milk lately and waking in the middle of the night with charlie horses a few times a week. I only had one of those with Elyse, but they seem more frequent this time. By the time I wake Ross to help rub the pain away, it is usually gone, but some of them leave me feeling like I've been punched in the leg. I've been eating lots of bananas but need to be better about drinking more water! I also have a few bulging veins in my legs this time around. They aren't too pretty, but are easy to hide still! Oh, the little marks the babes leave us are always special too!

Is that what you call hormones?

This past week has had me a little bit nervous that this anxiety is trying to creep back in. Tuesday and Wednesday were kinda rotten. Nothing out of the ordinary going on, but I can feel the anxiety running through my body again and my face is breaking out. I'm writing this off as pregnancy hormones because, quite frankly, I don't have the time, patience, or energy for it to be anything else.
Like I told Ross tonight, the only good thing about anxiety is that my nervous stomach makes my bowels flow more freely, to put it nicely. :) Too much information, I know. But again, try to find the good in each situation right!
Today I'm feeling a little better and so I hope it was just a surge in hormones and now things are calming down again. I've tried to give it very little time, thought, or power and just kept on with my regular schedule trusting that this too shall pass.
I've got a busy week ahead with parent teacher conference on Monday and Thursday, and then a fun-filled weekend with Marie and Adam's wedding! We can't wait to celebrate. I did have to take my bridesmaid dress in to have it let out a little bit this week. Guess the baby belly is really growing!
22 weeks along now, with only 18 to go! We are over half way and keep talking all about this little boy growing inside. Elyse is a proud, big sister. She just doesn't think it is fair that baby brother gets a bedroom upstairs while she has to sleep downstairs, and that he gets to have her rocking chair. We're going to have to replace that chair with something pretty cool! We talked about an "art desk" for her bedroom so she can do "projects!" She's liking that idea so far.
Well, keep praying with me that the hormones level off again and we are smooth sailing ahead!

Sweet Saturday

I love days like this. The sun is shining. I'm cuddled up on the couch with Elyse as she plays on the ipad and I play on the computer. We'll stay in our jammies for a little bit, then head outside to enjoy this beautiful fall day. I have so much to be thankful for.

I was just rereading my blog posts from this summer and realize how far I have come, but am being mindful that there will probably be days like those again. Being the analyzer that I am, I wonder if it was all due to 1st trimester pregnancy hormones. It seems my hormones have great power over my mind and body. I have continued to be wheat and sugar free, am finding it easier than I ever thought it would be, and really don't crave those foods too much anymore, expect on Friday after school. (When you're stressed or have made it through the week, eat right!) Not for me anymore....it would make me feel better right away, but I'd be facing the consequences soon enough.

Sundays and Mondays used to be a really tough days for me. I dreaded that the weekend was almost over and I'd be going back to work. I'd prefer to lay around all day on Sunday trying my hardest to avoid the inevitable...Monday. But as I think back on it, I wonder if it was more than that. I used to eat well all week and then on Friday and Saturday, I'd let loose. Eating out, eating large amount of junk, trying to ease the stress from the work week. As I've noticed since being wheat and sugar free, those foods do affect my mood greatly. Was Sunday such a rotten day because my body was reacting to the two days of junk food I had just gorged on? Monday would be a little better, and then by Tuesday I'd be feeling better. Well, by Tuesday all of that junk was out of my body and so that allowed my mind and body to return to normal as well. What a mess I was creating for my body, which is generally pretty sensitive to lots of things I put in or on my body. You should have seen my lips when I had to wear braces, my body respond to mosquito bites, my ears when I wear earrings...Goes back to a quote I found when I was in Colorado for my yoga training, "Listen to your body! It has a story to tell!" It sure does, but that slowing down to listen is the hardest part for us busy humans!

Anyhow, whatever hormones are traveling through my body right now are helping me to feel pretty great. I love feeling Baby Boy kick up a storm, watching my pregnant belly grow, and seeing the love that Elyse already shows towards her little brother. She always has to give him a kiss when I drop her off at daycare in the morning. She's sure he won't like the box elder bugs that have been sneaking into our house, and when she drink water out of her cup, she reminds me that little brother likes water too!

And I can't believe my baby sister is getting married in 13 days! We can't wait to celebrate with her, Adam, and Josie on their wedding day. It will also be Ross and my 5th wedding anniversary! We get to share the same anniversary day. Although I'm probably a little too hard on him sometimes, Ross is an amazing husband and daddy. He has put up with more in the last 5 years than he could have ever imagined, but he continues to keep calm and carry on. I am blessed, and God knew what he was doing when he planned for us to meet at 1330 Monks Avenue 10 years ago! Times flies when you're having fun! E

Enjoy this Sweet Saturday!

20 weeks!

 Half way there!! There were quite a few days in June, July, and August where it felt like I would never get to this point, but here we are! And we are expecting a BOY!! Elyse is going to have a little brother to protect and love on. She wasn't so sure about it even though she was proudly wearing her, "I'm the big sister!" shirt, but she got over it and is now very excited. Everything has been going so well and we are beyond blessed. Just proves again that you have to take the good with the bad. The rewards are so much greater when you grow working through the bumps along the way. I've been feeling great, loving my kids yoga classes, and enjoying my new batch of 1st graders. Life is good!