The Truth

We are expecting!! Elyse will be a big sister in February! Exciting news, right! In all honesty, I couldn't be more scared. I know,  I should feel beyond blessed...and I do, deep down. But I am gripped by fear.

Pregnancy with Elyse was wonderful. I was glowing. It was everything I had hoped for and more. I should expect this one to be the same, but what was not wonderful about the birth with Elyse was the severe postpartum anxiety and depression that quickly followed.

Since only a few people know how severe it was, I will take a little time to be 100% honest so you can begin to understand where my latest fear is coming from.

All moms experience a little "baby blues" and I could say I had that too. The uncertainty, the change in routine, and the huge responsibility of taking care of a life will do that to you. But about 5 days after Elyse was born, I woke up in the night in a state of mind that I will never forget. I came out of the bedroom and found Ross watching tv in the living room. He could tell just by looking at me that I was not myself and immediately asked what he needed to do. I felt like I was not in my body, I was shaking, I was dizzy, I was scared, and I thought I was going to die.

I got in the car and Ross packed up a bag for Elyse, all 5 days old of her, and we headed to the ER. I had enough sense to know that this was related to the birth and I could even tell the receptionist that I was suffering some sort of postpartum depression. They checked me in, put me in a bed, gave me an obnoxiously large dose of Ativan (which I will never take again), let me rest a few hours, gave me a prescription for more Ativan, and sent me home.

Poor Ross. New baby, drug-induced sleeping wife, and a prescription to fill at Wal-Greens. I don't remember this part, but Ross tells me we sat in the drive through at Wal-Greens for what seemed like an hour waiting for this prescription to be filled.

I don't really remember the next 24 hours, Elyse's newborn baby pictures and all, but I do remember knowing that I needed more help. After a doctor appointment with an OB (mine was on vacation), another visit to the ER, and an overnight stay on the psychiatric floor, I finally had a psychiatrist prescribing and monitoring my medication. Thank God!

It took a good 6 weeks to get out of this funk, but I made it. Anxiety has never left me and any stressful situation can lead to a panic attack, but I'm getting better at coping. Most days. :) In all honesty, I have been doing really well. The only other time it got really bad was when we moved from Mankato to Belle Plaine, but that was stress-induced, related to change of home and work, and I think was sort of expected, but came as unexpected to me.

So, here we are today. Again, feeling like the anxiety, and depression, are trying to smother me. Why do I feel better typing "fear" and "sadness" instead of A and D? They seem to have such negative stigmas attached, unfortunately.

I guess I came to the realization today that if I want to overcome this, I need to be open and honest. I need people to know that this is real. Yes, I try to "get up and get going, get outside, eat healthy, pretend it isn't there, etc. etc," but it is there. If I had the flu, I'd struggle to do my routine as well. I'd probably try, but it would be difficult and some days I wouldn't feel like putting in the effort. It is easier for me to be honest about not being okay, than it is for me to pretend that I am okay. I need to be honest with myself.

I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I will take meds while I am pregnant because I need to. Period. End of discussion. You can ask anyone who has dealt with a mental health issue, and I'm sure they will tell you that you will never understand unless you have been there. I will say the exact same thing.

This blog is going to be open and honest. It is not a place for judgement. It is a place where I can find comfort in knowing that God has a plan for me, and hopefully I can help someone else who is feeling the same way, because there are millions of women who are battling a perinatal mood disorder just like mine who feel alone, scared, and judged for the things that their brain is doing right now.

I am strong because I am willing to share. It only took me a little over 3 years to get here! I struggle eating, sleeping, keeping up with Elyse, making meals, and keeping the house clean right now. It has been a little over a month of feeling like this and so just like there are stages of grief, I think there are stages of this too! The good news is, I can continue my daily routine (when I really want to push myself) because you can do that with anxiety. Even though your body feels totally uncomfortable (skin crawling, heart racing, dizziness, stomach ache, tense muscles, dry mouth, fatigue) none of symptoms stop you from continuing to function. The mind is what slows me down. Some days are better than others and this is a journey that I like to call a beautiful mess. I will learn something from this, God trusts me with this responsibility, and I will make it a better place by being open about mental health.