I Love It

I wish I could say that about anxiety. I think if I did, it would make it go away....or so I hope. Or how about if I went to the doctor, they ran a quick blood draw, and said, "Yup! Anxiety it is." I think even that would make accepting it better. Because I go back and forth on the right way to do this....

Should I ignore it because thinking about, talking about, researching about it gives it power which makes it worse...

or

Should I accept it, love it, and embrace it as part of me because it seems that it would make me feel better if I could stop trying to fight it, rationalize it, solve it, find a cause of it...

Everyone has their own opinion which doesn't help the anxious mind to know what to do. We anxious people like there to be a right or wrong/black or white way to life and I'm discovering that just isn't the way it will always be. Same with anxiety. 

Plus, to complicate matters, some people say they have been totally cured of their anxiety to never deal with it again using certain methods, while others say they have been fighting the battle for the last 30, 40 some years and it just continues....I'll decide to focus on the first school of thought because I don't have the energy or time to let the second idea consume my mind. 

And I'm not asking my anxiety to be totally gone because that wouldn't be healthy either. I don't mind nervousness, like the butterflies in your tummy thing, sweaty palms, a little racing heart...that stuff is simple. It's the anxiety, when I say anxiety, like the muscles feel like they are shutting down, the brain fog, the difficulty shutting off the ruminating thoughts, the weak arms, the lack of taste in food or any desire to eat, shortness of breath, the extreme fatigue, insomnia, shaking, and the dreaded cloud of doom that has me questioning the world around me and what it is, what is that one source, that is causing this....that is what I want to go away. 

Like I've said many times, I'm so much better off than I was awhile back but it's kind of like this....

If you have ever burned your finger on the stove or a curling iron not expecting it to be hot, ouch!!! That hurts! Each time you approach that situation in the future, you approach it with much more caution. You've learned to protect yourself.

It's the same with anxiety.....Just walking along, enjoying life, and ouch!! Some situation which you didn't foresee as that difficult sends your body spinning into an unknown place. It's scary. So you come out of it okay and you've learned a lot and you're a little on guard now for those same feelings. But you never expect you'll deal with that again, cause you've learned your lesson the first time.....

Until BAM! The anxiety is back again, and again you're scared but this time it is a little worse because you thought you had learned, and protected yourself....so you become worried about this really becoming part of you, and how often, how intense, what situations will make this continue to arise. Yikes! I thought this was a one time deal.

And each time it comes back, you feel the same way. A little pissed off that you didn't learn your lesson the first time, or the second time, or the third time....Why can't you just control this!!?? You've been to the doctors, you've talked through your "issues", you've changed your eating habits, you've asked for help, you've practiced relaxation techniques, you've gotten up each day and pushed through.....but it is still lingering....

Now you begin to worry about this thought....so it's not as intense and you're thankful for that but this is the longest it has lingered....Is this the time when it does not ever go away? It has always, always gone away in the past. So it will go away this time. But then I'm instantly scared about the next time it comes back....

And here is where I need to change my thinking to "I Love It" or probably more realistic would be "I can handle it!" Instead of creating more fear about when and if it comes back, just know that you can deal with it. It won't stop you from living life. It won't stop a new day from coming. It won't stop your children or husband or family from loving you. It won't stop the children at school from needing you as their teacher. It won't stop anything unless you let it stop you. And you can let it slow you down. That might be just the reason it is here. To let you know you're racing through life a little too fast and need to stop and smell the roses. Slow down. Re-evaluate. Take time out to just stay home and relax. I can handle this. *Disclaimer: (I might need all of your help in remembering this because this is the part I struggle with the most. I DO NOT want to accept that this will return and be part of me. I DO NOT. Begging and pleading. DO NOT. It's pretty simple. I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I hate who it makes me out to be.) 

Since I'm feeling more success each day, for the most part, I need to start thinking this way and letting go of the fear. Not yet, in 29 years of life, have I ever been given more than I can handle. Some days it sure feels like it, but like the lyrics from a song I heard yesterday said, "I will let you bend but I won't let you break." So true! Bending is good. It teaches us new things. I want to know what this is preparing me for. I have hope that this will be for something good. I want to make a difference in the world and I guess being a teacher is a good start. 

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend! I know I sure did! I had a wonderful time with Molly, Brenna, and Cora here! I loved going to Alicia's birthday party and hanging out with the high school girls. And now I'm anxiously (in a good way) waiting for Ross to call and say, "We're on our way home and will be home tomorrow!"