There is a children's book title this, and I thought of it right away as I thought about how I was feeling today.
Inside these "I'm feeling pretty good" posts, there are days when I'd like to post about the little black cloud that still lingers, in a different way, now. Many days I just decide to wait until I'm in a better mood, because that is more of what people want to hear. But today...."It's just one of them days, that a girl goes through, When I'm angry inside, Don't wanna take it out on you, Just one of them days..."It's a Monica song...
Right now I feel like my mouth is a volcano. I feel like everything that comes out is negative, judgmental, and all or nothing thinking.
I'm angry that Ross is at his music festival...in Ohio...for 7 days...with little cell phone service...
I'm angry that I can't just enjoy my time with Elyse because...I lack patience...I am tired...I feel like a bad mom...I don't think it's fair that she should have to put up with my moods....
I'm angry that someone can't just take this pain inside of me away...take the anxiety...take the depression...take the negativity...take the physical symptoms that come with it...take the all or nothing thinking...take the worries...take away the "Why me?"...
I'm angry when I think back to happier times...why won't they just come back...why have I learned to be okay with "not feeling great"...why is this the new normal...why is this lingering on and on when I have a wonderful life to be so very thankful for...
I can deal with this. It is not nearly as bad or as intense as it was a few months ago. I typically can follow the routine of a the day and worry less, but I feel like I am stuck. Dr. Troy assures me it is normal but $&*$((#(*&^&^#*(#(&&#*(excuse my language)! Can I just get a week of relief!! I get hours, and if I'm lucky, a day, of relief...but it is that lingering, the dull ache inside...that just won't leave. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO LORD!!?? I'M LISTENING!!"
I know I'm not alone in my feelings. I know many have, and currently are, feeling like this in one situation or another. But I want to post this honestly so that if one other person reads this and finally feels like they are not alone, then it was worth it. Today I will worry about today. I will continue to enjoy the moments even though I have that icky, dull, ache way down deep that just doesn't want to leave. I will be thankful for the little things.
THANK you so much for posting this. This makes me feel normal and like you said "NOT ALONE". I have found that I have had the past year of feeling this way, not everyday but certainly full days of this. Days where people are laughing and I just want to be alone and stare at the wall in silence, where I can't even fake my way though to pretend I'm "normal" with the gang or whomever.
ReplyDeleteI have had my share of Music Festival blues too, many, many, many of them but I always feel it prepares me for my next LONG run as a single mom.
I get the FACEBOOk BLUES too when I think of it. Seeing everyone and their babies, happy families, supportive and present husbands, vacations, and normal messages...what can I post, "Single again...doing all the childcare for a busy child with severe medical issues, laundry, yardwork, cleaning, dusting, dishes, light and heavy duty maintenance, bill paying, shopping, cooking, everything by myself AGAIN!" Pathetic and then I think what did I do wrong to get into this position twice????!! But then I force myself to be grateful for what I have and positive about myself... but it is HARD.
I LOVE your blog because it gives me ideas, hope and so much insight into the lives of others, so I don't just focus on Why Me. You give me reason to really fight, but also the reassurance that it is all OK to do your best even if it isn't enough certain days. Somedays just are icky and you do what you can to get through.
Know that ANYTIME we would love to come down and help out with Elyse or Elyse and new baby Nellie. Barney and Scooby Doo saved me in those early years.
I am actually crying as I read this because it sounds just like my life as I was starting to have children. I know the feeling. I still have them too, although they are not as intense as they used to be. A lot of it depends on my diet and not reverting back to my numbing use of food. Mind set also comes into play. It's a hard game to play. Thanks for putting it all out there. I am only a mile away. Call!! I probably need it more than you do
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